Stanley Nerdlinger III was looking through our vacation photos from a couple of years ago and I recognized me because I’m wearing the same shirt as I am today 👀
Hear me out, a cell phone that you wear like a glove. You’ll never lose it because you don’t put it down, you’ll never drop it because it’s on your hand not in it, and when you use the phone you do that thumb in your ear and talk into your pinky, phone shape with your hand 🤙
Fun Fact - Before the internet, a man would show up at your door dressed like a Nigerian prince to scam you out of your life savings.
Does anyone know if an avocado is ok to eat if it has turned a different color 30 seconds after you cut the goddamn thing open and it looked totally normal then, for Christ sakes! 🙄
Scientists believe consciousness might be just an illusion. If true, then everything around you is just your imagination. You may only be imagining I posted this. So why are you imagining I posted this and not someone else? Do you have some kind of problem with me? Look, I don’t know what the hell you’ve got going on, but how about you just leave me out of it!
I’d probably make a really good spy because in spite of all the techniques she used to get the truth out of me, I refused to admit to the hygienist that I don’t floss every day,
Despite my celebrity status on Mastodon, I live my life as a recluse
The navy has developed its own artificial intelligence but they call it Aye-I
They blamed it on “shrinkage” but the wieners were awfully small at the #DonnerParty
My date at the #DonnerParty said she’s had those meatballs somewhere else before