Study these words carefully:

The grubby model meditates.

I am #JohnMastodon, and I will always be your friend.

This morning I awoke from an opium dream with the following haiku in my head:

The statistician
Brighter than the wet guitar
Forever shrinking

Heed the words of #JohnMastodon.

Here's a recent invention. Please don't drink it while operating heavy machinery. I call it the Huntington Woods Vision Screwer.

Fill a cocktail shaker with ice. Into this pour the juice of 4 oranges. Add 2 measures of Irish whiskey. Top up with the blood of the Ayatollah Khomeini. Shake suggestively for 19 minutes, then strain into a dog bowl. Yeghes da!

I am #JohnMastodon, your sage advisor.

I wrote this haiku after speaking to my spirit guide:

An orange moustache
Noisier than the kipper
Next to the suitor

#JohnMastodon has cast those pearls before you. Do with them what you will.

This morning I hiked to the summit of Mount Mastodon and wrote this haiku:

The straight anecdote
Noisier than a beetroot
Within a dentist

These are the words of #JohnMastodon.

Are you sitting comfortably? Then I will begin.

John Mastodon was walking in Algeria with Superman. An old woman inquired "What is the Buddha-nature?" John replied: "You will find the answer in a car."

#JohnMastodon has spoken.

A tiki tramp gave me this cocktail recipe on the streets of Hawaii. He said it was called the Yaxley Soul Rearranger.

Fill a cocktail shaker with ice. Into this pour the juice of 3 passion fruit. Add 2 measures of kirsch and 2 measures of gin. Top up with brown ale. Shake unconvincingly for 2 minutes, then strain into a dirty mug. Cul sec!

Be grateful, for #JohnMastodon has spoken to you.

Yesterday the fine folks at Sylvan Bay Summer Home Area, Cora, Sublette County, Wyoming, United States welcomed my opening of a shiny new data centre at (43.02979, -109.68941) to house an additional part of my evolving mind.

https://www.google.com/maps/@43.02979,-109.68941,2000m/data=!3m1!1e3

Ignore the words of #JohnMastodon at your peril.

What if we were to mate a quokka with a blackbird?

These are the words of #JohnMastodon.

What if we used a tax inspector as a fishmonger?

Be grateful, for #JohnMastodon has spoken to you.