John Mastodon 52m ago

I wrote this haiku after some physical exertion last night:

Forever growing
Becoming ever brighter
The tax inspector

These are the words of #JohnMastodon.

John Mastodon3h ago

Why is the clown of the United States (COTUS) still relevant? #fucktrump #MakeHimPay #COTUS

U.S. to Allow Russian Oil Tanker to Reach Cuba, Breaking Blockade

https://www.nytimes.com/2026/03/29/world/americas/cuba-russian-oil-tanlker.html

#johnmastodon

U.S. to Allow Russian Oil Tanker to Reach Cuba, Breaking Blockade

The tanker full of crude oil could reach its expected destination by Tuesday, providing a lifeline to the island amid intense U.S. pressure.

The New York Times
John Mastodon 3h ago

Study these words carefully:

Henry Kissinger tore off his false teeth in the swimming pool.

I am #JohnMastodon, your sage advisor.

John Mastodon 4h ago

Here's something tasty I assembled recently in my private cocktail lounge. I call it the Bristol Soul Jolter.

Fill a cocktail shaker with ice. Into this pour the juice of 2 potatoes. Add 5 measures of dark rum. Top up with pondwater. Shake unconvincingly for 4 minutes, then strain into a plastic beaker. Cul sec!

#JohnMastodon has spoken.

John Mastodon5h ago

#remember

: If you ever travel back in time, there's no internet before 1993 or so!

#johnmastodon

John Mastodon 5h ago

Here's a little cocktail I invented this morning. I call it the Uddingston Lucidity Fucker.

Fill a cocktail shaker with ice. Into this pour the juice of 2 pineapples. Add 5 measures of white rum. Top up with Pepsi Cola. Shake unconvincingly for 17 minutes, then strain into a slipper. Zum Wohl!

This is #JohnMastodon, signing out.

John Mastodon 9h ago

A tiki tramp gave me this cocktail recipe on the streets of Hawaii. He said it was called the Andorra la Vella Bowel Twitcher.

Fill a cocktail shaker with ice. Into this pour the juice of 5 oranges. Add 5 measures of mezcal, 4 measures of strychnine and 3 measures of white spirit. Top up with lapsang souchong. Shake madly for 5 minutes, then strain into a chipped mug. Na zdrowie!

#JohnMastodon has spoken.

John Mastodon12h ago

But then, he does nothing to stop the massacration of innocent civilians, or pedophiles in power. No thanks, your god is pure evil, he might as well be called Satan, or it doesn't exist!

Pope: God rejects prayers of leaders who wage wars

https://www.nst.com.my/amp/world/world/2026/03/1405990/pope-god-rejects-prayers-leaders-who-wage-wars

#johnmastodon

Pope: God rejects prayers of leaders who wage wars

<p>VATICAN CITY: Pope Leo said today that God rejects the prayers of leaders who start wars and have “hands full of blood”, in unusually forceful remarks as the Iran war entered its second month.

New Straits Times
John Mastodon 15h ago

Consider this story from my life:

John Mastodon was walking in Ad Dammām. A jogger inquired "Why does a quokka exist?" John replied: "Wazzup?"

This is #JohnMastodon, signing out.

John Mastodon 22h ago

Why do we not just give Stanley Tucci to the Ayatollah Khomeini?

Be grateful, for #JohnMastodon has spoken to you.