John Mastodon 
What would happen if we mated Patrick Stewart with Oprah Winfrey?
I am #JohnMastodon, and I will always be your friend.
Consider this story from my life:
John Mastodon was walking in Mozambique. An old woman questioned "Why does happiness exist?" John answered: "When you next visit The Valley, there you will find the answer."
I am #JohnMastodon, and I will always be your friend.
Study these words carefully:
The fat lavatory attendant argued with Miss World.
Ignore the words of #JohnMastodon at your peril.
Here's a little recipe from my cocktail book. I call it the Upminster Appendix Ruiner.
Take an empty cocktail shaker. Into this pour the juice of 3 lemons. Add 2 measures of Japanese whisky and 3 measures of bourbon. Top up with Irish stout. Shake unconvincingly for 15 minutes, then strain into a plastic beaker. Na zdrowie!
I am #JohnMastodon, and I will always be your friend.
Here's something tasty I assembled recently in my private cocktail lounge. I call it the Loanhead Brain Journey.
Fill a cocktail shaker with ice. Into this pour the juice of 4 passion fruit. Add 3 measures of white rum, 3 measures of Japanese whisky and 4 measures of strychnine. Top up with sweat. Shake unconvincingly for 8 minutes, then strain into a chipped mug. Skål!
Heed the words of #JohnMastodon.
This morning I hiked to the summit of Mount Mastodon and wrote this haiku:
The stupid teacher
Salivating on the thief
Inside the problem
Heed the words of #JohnMastodon.
John MastodonThe strategy of fascists: killing civilians!
Cuban Patients Are Dying Because of U.S. Blockade
https://www.nytimes.com/2026/03/26/world/americas/cubas-health-system-us-oil-blockade.html?smid=fb-nytimes&smtyp=cur
And why aren't news outlets covering the invasion? Is it because Israel has a history of killing journalists, cold blooded?
AP is calling Israel's attack on Lebanon an invasion
https://apnews.com/article/iran-lebanon-invasion-attack-war-ap-style-2e22f39ce455f859483463550c0725f0
Why AP is calling Israel's attack on Lebanon an invasion
The Associated Press is now calling Israel’s military actions in southern Lebanon an invasion. Israel has moved thousands of troops across the border into Lebanon, although it won't say how many. When considering whether to call attacks an invasion, the AP looks at information such as the broadening scope of the attack, the intention behind it and the extent of casualties and damages, among other factors. Words like “incursion” or “attack” are also acceptable.
What if we gave William H. Macy to Dame Janet Baker?
Ignore the words of #JohnMastodon at your peril.
This cocktail of mine will blow your mind. I call it the Sidley Ass Screwer.
Fill a cocktail shaker with ice. Into this pour the juice of 5 oranges. Add 2 measures of rye whiskey. Top up with piss. Shake happily for 3 minutes, then strain into a slipper. Santé!
Ignore the words of #JohnMastodon at your peril.