Every day, the same old thing. I'm waking up, I'm brushing my teeth, I'm scraping my lovely nose along someone's gravel driveway, then I'm getting back in bed ready to do it all again tomorrow! #inthebigleaguesnow

This 1984 Chateaux Beaumheule is REALLY pairing well with organising my enormous collection of tapes of my re-enactments of Space Giraffe. #inthebigleaguesnow

I get caught battling The Grand Egg ONE TIME, and I'm forever known throughout the community as "Howlin' Mad Phillip". FML! #inthebigleaguesnow

Who's got two thumbs and is currently pretending to be a rootin' tootin' cowboy and going "PYOWN PYOWN" with my two finger pistols at all the staff in Dixons? Me. #visualjoke #inthebigleaguesnow

It's amazing that even after all these years, I still find eating a pomelo like it's a handfruit absolutely fucking gripping. #inthebigleaguesnow

I've always enjoyed hiding in the fruit bowl and pretending to be a guava and now I'm seeking like-minded individuals with similar interests to start a club. #inthebigleaguesnow

Thinking all my thoughts in the voice of William Shatner really makes me ask a lot of deeply personal questions of myself. #inthebigleaguesnow

If arguing with an air traffic controller over who has the biggest arse is wrong, then I don't ever want to be right! #inthebigleaguesnow

Freddie Mercury knocked on for me saying he wanted to go to the park and have me push him on the swings but last time he wouldn't let me have a turn so I said nah bruv and closed the door on him and now I'm playing a self-developed extra hard difficulty setting of Doom II (i.e. sitting 60 feet away from the screen, in a stinking glass tank filled with hundreds of moth, with the volume set at tinnitus-inducing levels) while he looks at me through the window. #inthebigleaguesnow

I get that same weird sickly feeling in my stomach swaggering around the house smugly because no-one knows I've got a kiwi fruit in my dressing gown pocket as I do when when I'm eating a meal that contains both chicken and egg. #inthebigleaguesnow