Professional MoronPrison Cell to Let: The Ultimate in Brutalist Micro-Suites 🚓
Real Estate Bastard Enterprises Ltd. is utterly shit your pants delighted to announce our latest property on the market. Located in Preston city centre in an active prison, this gated community prison cell to rent is a delight from top to bottom.
Live out your Shawshank Redemption fantasies at competitive monthly rates, with a “lively” community of convicts right on your doorstep. Book your viewing today! This prison cell won’t be on the market for long.
The Slab & Iron Suite: Luxury Prison Cell Living Done Right
- Only £2,800 p/m
- NO BILLS INCLUDED
- NO PETS
- Full-service meal plan funded by public taxes
- Open-concept bathing for nudist enthusiasts
- Industrial floor-to-ceiling iron accents for in-cell security
- Biometric security from 24/7 on-site guards
- Curated social network of convicted criminals
The lease for this property is available immediately, but includes a No-Early Termination clause. This clause is strictly enforced by the state and is non-negotiable until the tenant has served a 5-10 year sentence.
Tenants concerned about the lack of privacy should remember we live in a society dominated by CCTV security recordings and 24/7 rolling social media feeds. Thus… what even truly is privacy in this day and age? Think about it.
With a cost-effective rent of a mere £2,8000 p/m remember this is all-inclusive of uniforms and orange couture provided by the state. You will also have a solitary bed to yourself, a sink, and a “shitter” (as the inmates call them) for your personal ablution needs.
For leisure activities and exercise, tenants are welcome to a one-hour daily window using The Yard. This is a 15ft by 15ft concrete exercise area with an armed guard watching over your every move.
As for commuting to your daily job, you’re allowed to do this but must be strip searched on leaving/entering the property to ensure you don’t have:
- Drugs
- Weapons
- Bubble gum
If you’re found, in particular, to have any brand of bubble gum this’ll be taken out back and detonated with Semtex.
Please note, you must also wear your prisoner uniform in and around your day/job to confirm your status as a prisoner/tenant. This does mean some police officers out on the police may mistake you for an escaped convict and taser you to the ground while your scream like a big girl.
Former Tenant Testimonial
“I’m Derek and I moved into Cell 402 in May 2022. During my wonderful stay in this prison cell I made many friends, was stabbed 25 times in 24 months by inmates, and was even headbutted by a guard! Other than that, there are few distractions other than a window, plus free Wi-Fi access that’s restricted to 30 minutes a day for ‘educational time’ and I wasn’t allowed to access pornography, which made me heavily repressed and a little weird tbh. Oh yeah, I had to move out of the property in April 2026 because I headbutted a guard and will now be serving a six-month prison sentence in Cell 502 one floor up. We’ll be neighbours!” Prisoner 839201, former Brand Manager for Violent Vaping Enterprises Ltd.
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