Mastodawn

thinking i'm gonna dust off my shelved notes about investigating converting my house space-heating from gas to RCAC heat-pump/s, & gas storage HWH to heat-pump storage. leave the gas cooktop alone for the time being, as those first two are the biggest consumers & emitters [& i still resent having to replace all my cookware!]. still have no desire nor intention to go for solar & battery [abiding fear of hailstones, & big antipathy to me contributing to landfill later when putative panels need replacing... & tbh, i never have shaken off my distrust of cheap inverters &/or dodgy wiring causing house fires].

i've not yet done any numbers, but i posit the nascent concept of the glimmer of an idea of a plan is attractive to me:
- ethically given i hate being cold but also hate me remaining a climate vandal
- economically wrt operating costs, even sans-solar, coz of consumer heat-pumps commonly achieving CoP 4 & maybe up to 6, AND coz as the grid more & more "greens-up", & legacy gas network increasingly death-spirals, comparative prices of kWh vs MJ are only going one way
- strongly suspect RoI wrt capital costs likely to be utterly unviable, yet the project still remaining attractive to me for the prior two items

the most obvious challenge i know involved here, is i somehow have to overcome my social-anxiety/phobia with all the close-quarter peopling necessitated if i proceed 😱

#electrification #electrifyeverything #electrifyeverythingwecan #renewableenergy #heatpumps #rcac #dropbearshit #depression #socialanxiety #socialphobia #dropbearelectrification

Droppie May 9

as a chronically depressed & anxious peep, never with much self-confidence even "before", but completely subterranean after my failed transition, my discovery of fedi in 2022 was a bit of a tonic. it gave me a way to actually have a modicum of socialisation, albeit only digital, but still rather better than the hitherto complete vacuum. i let myself come out of my shell a bit, comfortable that peeps might just react to my words alone, unaffected by my physical appearance that i loathe.

it is ofc though no magic cure, as i remain every bit as insecure, fragile, & maxxed-out in the self-doubt & self-repudiation that have characterised most of the decades of my existence... before & after. as such, i've inevitably been aware that fedi can be & is not only an avenue for some daily happiness, but also unfortunately sometimes a reinforcer of all the self doubt.

the primary way that latter manifests, is the frequent experience of seeing posts i make in threads, OPd by peeps i either Follow, or who are Mutuals, where i see the OP respond to posts of peeps earlier in the thread, & later in the thread, than my post, but rarely, & in some peeps' cases, never ever ever, with mine.

note i'm only alluding to patterns of non-interaction that i've noticed over periods of several months+, certainly not merely the unimportant incidents of some individual posts going ignored as once-off events.

i've not yet fully made up my mind, but am seriously contemplating protecting my embarrassingly fragile & clearly immature ego, by Unfollowing the "worst offenders", & maybe even blocking them to prevent me being tempted in future to try to join in more subsequently unresponded threads thus triggering me all over again.

peeps sometimes use the derogatory expression "toughen up, princess", & oh would that i could 🥺

#dropbearshit #depression #socialphobia #failedtransition

Droppie May 6

sigh, done all me usual browserising, all me necessary pooterising, just need to go make a sammitch for lunch, then... am outta excuses to not do da dusting n vacuuming

but i don't wanna!

but i gotta!

got two non-me peeps here on Fri to plunge sharp steel objects into me arms, & atm house be like dusty surfaces & floor lint tumbleweeds everywhere

but i don't wanna!

can't some bloody adult come along n do it?

as long as they stay outside & i don't hafta open the front door...

#dropbearshit #socialphobia

Droppie May 4

sigh.

oh, tuesday, already. so, tis now another day closer to Arm-Achey Friday. realised this morn as i got up that my #anxiety level is now, predictably, on the rise again.

they're both nice peeps, they've both been here for my previous annual jabs n boosters. they're kind, they will be lovely with me

but they're peeps. non-me peeps. two non-me peeps here with me in my little house, in a few more days

wouldn't be dead for quids

sigh

#dropbearshit

Droppie May 1

given my entirely internal existence >=2010, it's ofc purely academic, but if i were ever gonna buy another #bike, it'd be another #MountainBike, & certainly not, never, an #ebike , euw.

occasionally if i venture into my de-carred garage, & see my orange m/b still hanging there, sadly still with its buckled rear wheel from the spoke that broke during my final ride of it, in 2005, early during my #transition, it makes me pretty emotional. i used to love riding it. fuck i've lost so much. 🥺

#dropbearshit #failedtransition #depression #socialphobia #riding

Droppie [farcebk] 🐨♀🌈🐧🦘Apr 21

Christine Jorgensen had happened in the 50s & 60s
Carlotta had happened in the 60s & 70s
i knew nothing of nor about them til the 90s, when the die was already long cast for me, & irrevocable events & decisions-in-ignorance had occurred

🥺️

#WhatIf #trans #dropbearshit

Droppie [farcebk] 🐨♀🌈🐧🦘Apr 21

little did i know, as an empimpled adolescent holding inside a seething cauldron of confused thoughts & feelings, giggling away to rowan & martin's laugh-in, that three of its most famous lines would end up defining & summarising my existence

the Flying Fickle Finger of Fate
sock it to me, baby
very interestingk, but schtoopid

🥺️

#Trans #DropbearShit

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Droppie [farcebk] 🐨♀🌈🐧🦘Apr 21

@dgar oohhhhhh, ok right... silly of me really not to have divined your full intent 🤪

this [latest] jump was not planned. as of yesterday morning i felt nicely ensconced in what i'd thought to be my happy new home.

yesterday arvo, that assumption was shattered. the admin-mod-owner DMd me & directed that i begin censoring my posts.

i was shocked & furious simultaneously, & instantly realised i could no longer be in that instance anymore, so rapidly jumped across here, which til 24 hrs ago i had intended only to be my fallback friendica, not my main one. the previous account is now closed/deleted, by me, with malice aforethought. 😡

to save you the trouble of now rotating your emoji 90 deg, i can replace my current one with yesterday's one, so we synch again! 😆 🤣

#dropbearpooterising #dropbearshit

Droppie [AU] 🐨♀🌈🐧🦘Apr 13

well, i mean, c'mon now. how can the rest of the week do anything but disappoint? provide a sense of extreme anticlimax? shirley, nought can compete with the excitement, the thrill, the fine keening of the senses, when one participates in...

#BinNight

i mean, right? that time of the quarter when one experiences the frisson of excitement as one carefully discovers if the front door hinges & locks have remembered, since the last time they were called into action seemingly a whole geological epoch ago, to still, not to put to fine a point on it... work?

and then, not to be outdone, the dual excitement after binning about, of... clearing out the 42 zillion snails in the letterbox & the gruesome particulate remnants of whatever mail, junk or otherwise, they have devoured since my last visitation. it was a different world, back then.

#whimsy #nonsense 🤪 #dropbearshit #socialphobia #hermit

Droppie [AU] 🐨♀🌈🐧🦘Apr 12

about a week ago i began an experiment, leaving both the ensuite & bathroom windows locked open slightly. idea is to see if permanent air circulation thus permitted in house might reduce or eliminate the black mould spots that can otherwise form on some windows in the cold months [my bedroom often chief offender, presumably from cumulative effect of my sleeping breath condensing on the cold glass]. so far so good re spots, but otoh it's so fucken freezing. now wondering about lesser of two evils... 🤔🤷‍♀️

#dropbearshit #house #ventilation #mould #cold #condensation