Mastodawn

Money might not be able to buy me love, but it sure helps keep the lights on!

Name the most expensive personal item you’ve ever purchased (not your home or car).

What I buy often isn’t available in stores, which brings to mind that song, “My Love Don’t Cost a Thing.” I’ve experienced pain that soaked my pillow with endless tears, leaving me feeling like I lost a part of my very soul. It’s tough when you realize that what we all desperately need is a true sense of identity—something you can’t just fake until you make it, no matter how much you might want to. Heartbreak, constant disappointment, and the harsh realities of life can really make you start questioning who you are. That’s why, whenever I see clips of people struggling or trying to improve themselves, I don’t rush to judge or play the role of Judge Judy. I understand their pain all too well, and I genuinely hope they find the help they need as soon as possible.

I used to be that woman who thought that an expensive bag or a lavish vacation would numb the pain and fill the void inside me. But loving yourself is just as important as sharing a part of yourself with someone else. If you can’t accept and love yourself, you won’t truly see or appreciate the efforts of others. I had to seek help; I faced my demons instead of running away and resorting to endless dating and fleeting moments of pleasure to feel better. It became exhausting. I remember crying so hard that I could feel the weight of my tears, those lukewarm tears filled with pain. Psychotherapy has been the most precious gift I’ve ever given myself. It’s helped me grow, appreciate love, and love someone special without any expectations—just to love him and feel good about being so deeply in love with this man who truly deserves it.

They say that the more you grow, the more your perspective shifts. I chose to find myself first, to heal old wounds, and to bury them. I wanted to find someone who could listen without judgment. In today’s world, it’s tough to find that kind of love. We keep searching, yet we set the bar so high that it feels impossible to reach. I’m learning to settle down for less. Prison of my own selfishness made me reevaluate whether the standards I set for myself are realistic, healthy, and smart, or if I’m still chasing after pain when love could be right next door.

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Site Title Nov 5

The art of giving a F**k

Do you need time?

It’s that time of year again when we start reflecting on everything that’s happened. January feels like it was just yesterday, and this year has truly been a rollercoaster. I recently shared some thoughts with someone who feels the same way, and we agreed that every year has its ups and downs. But what really matters is that we made it through—both of us did.

The world can feel so dark, and we often ignore what truly matters while we keep chasing after things that don’t fulfill us. We find ourselves in relationships that come with strings attached, expecting our partners to carry the weight of our needs. We pursue careers with the mindset that we want to be like those who have already made it. We’re constantly seeking validation, setting the bar impossibly high. The economy is a mess, with inflation swinging back and forth.

The news is filled with stories of genocide, war, and people hurting each other. And then there’s Gen Z, always coming up with the next big trend. It’s all chaotic, and no matter how much we try to ignore it, we’re all affected in one way or another. It feels like a lose-lose situation, and it’s hard to look forward to the coming year. Yet, there are still some perks waiting to be shared. What I really need is to get on my knees and surrender to the Lord, asking for His intervention.

I could take a vacation and post a smile for the ‘gram, but if my soul isn’t at peace, what’s the point? My faith has been my anchor this year; I’ve fought battles that made me question, “What on earth is this generational curse?” A wise person once said, “If it doesn’t happen to you, who will it happen to?” The glitz and glam aren’t always what they seem.

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The Theoretical Doctor Aug 21

Tagline: “Hourly Toilet Break”

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If humans had taglines, what would yours be?

Those who have worked with me know that I have such thing called “The Hourly Toilet Break”.

Firstly, because I consume lots of fluids and secondly, that is how I ensure I do get the break once in a while on a busy day or maybe, the day is quite slow and I am just, bored.

Of course when the day is rather busy and hectic, time just flies and that I do not even realise the time passing by. By the time I actually do complete my task and take the opportunity to just rest for a while, 2-3 hours have gone by.

How Did The Hourly Toilet Break Started?

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I didn’t actually planned for such thing at work. Obviously.

At home, I do frequently go for my toilet breaks as I’m forever consuming green teas or black coffees or water. All of which contributes to the filling of my bladder, in addition to the fluids being diuretics.

It wasn’t until I started my tagging in my sixth rotation, the Emergency & Trauma Department that I reinforced this so-called “hourly toilet break”.

The tagging hours in the Emergency & Trauma Department is long, just as in other postings whereby we had to work from 7am til 10pm everyday with an off day each week for 10 days straight.

Thus, it helped me in ensuring that I either get to sit and recollect myself during hectic days or to make the hours pass during slow days.

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The Theoretical Doctor Aug 21

My First Night Shift In Emergency & Trauma | Housemanship Diaries

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Remember when I mentioned that I love the night shifts?

No? Well, here are the articles advocating my love for that shift:

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My first night shift in this department was in the Red Zone and I was terrified.

Thankfully, it was with a fellow Registrar who is rather patient, kind and one who loves to teach.

The scary part however was that it is the Red Zone after all and on my first night!

The Red Zone basically caters to patients who are unstable be it haemodynamically or in terms of their vital signs or that they are in a state of severe acidosis, on the verge of collapsing, you name it. Basically, how severe of a state a person must be in to end up in that zone.

The night started off smoothly with cases coming in one at a time. Alright, I kept repeating to myself, “attend them, transfer them to another bed, vital signs, bloods, fill out forms, clerk and basically just listen to your superiors”.

The night eventually turned into midnight and into the wee hours of the morning and finally the sun has risen. Before I knew it, it was 7am and the AM shift House Officer has arrived. I am not alone again.

Time to prepare for handover rounds at 7:45am.

It was better after that, having another person with me as it felt less intimidating.

At 10am, I took off and headed home. Not a bad experience for the first night shift.

The good thing about the night shift in the Emergency and Trauma is that we are not alone. There is always a team or at least your superiors are always there.

However, I don’t quite prefer the night shift in this posting. Having actually completed this posting, at the time of writing this article, the daytime shift is definitely better.

Nonetheless, in all the night shifts, albeit that it could be a terrifying one especially prior to the start of your shift, always remember that you are never completely alone even if it feels like it and that help is always nearby.

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The Theoretical Doctor Aug 20

Life After Offtag In Emergency & Trauma | Housemanship Diaries

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The tagging hours in the Department of Emergency & Trauma is from 7am till 10pm, for a total of 10 days and one off day per week. There are no assessments required to off-tag, only hours required to cash in.

During our tagging season, we were not allocated for night shifts as well.

For me, tagging in this posting felt like an eternity. I remembered counting down my days before I would finally “offtag” and be switched to regular working hours. I also remembered being extremely exhausted at the end of my shift, wondering how did my fellow colleagues managed to pull through.

Tagging in this posting as compared to the other postings was considered less stressful as we were not required to arrive early for morning rounds. We merely had to arrive on time and upon the end of our shift, we leave, as compared to other postings where we would stay back almost every time, cash in “unpaid overtimes.”

Finally after 10 days of tagging, I officially “off-tagged“.

So how was life after that?

Much better. Thankfully.

Regular hours in the Emergency & Trauma Department meant working a 12-hours shift per day with an off day per week and a single night shift.

Basically, we had to ensure that in total, we had to meet the total 60-hours shift per week.

Thus are the timings for our respective shifts:

AM Shift: 7am – 7pm
PM Shift: 10am – 10pm
Night Shift: 10pm – 10am

If you have read my articles on “The Joy Of Working The Night Shift As A House Officer” as well as “My Favourite Time Of The Day At Work“, I mentioned that I absolutely love the night shift. The disadvantage of working the night shift is that we are usually alone and the night shift can be rather unpredictable.

However, it is not the same for me in this posting. Out of the shifts listed above, my favourite is the AM shift, 7am till 7pm. Initially, getting up for work at 7am is tough especially after working the PM shifts back-to-back. But after the initial morning sleepiness wears off, the day proceeds as usual and we return home at 7pm which is nice.

Life after offtag in this department ensured that I had adequate rest prior to my shift starting. No doubt, it is a 12-hours shift every time, we usually arrive and leave work on time as compared to other postings.

Nonetheless, I was still exhausted after every shift. Perhaps it was due to the accumulated mental and physical stress throughout the previous five postings that when I am finally blessed with extra rest, I am still tired.

If you are still in the tagging phase, be it in this department or others, please stay strong. Remember that it doesn’t last forever, it is merely over a certain span of days or weeks.

Keep showing up, keep doing the good work to the best of your strength and abilities and keep moving forward.

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The Theoretical Doctor Aug 18

Surviving 10 Days Of Tagging | Emergency & Trauma Department

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My tagging days in my sixth and final rotation, Emergency and Trauma Department, lasted for a total of 10 days which was from the 11th of April till the 23rd of April 2025. This is excluding our one “off day” for the week.

Did I manage to last throughout the tagging days?

Not quite.

I did take a sick leave during my second week of tagging. The reason was that I was just extremely tired.

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The tagging hours in the Emergency and Trauma Department is from 7 am till 10pm, just in other postings.

The good thing about this department is that we do not need to do morning reviews. Thus, coming way early prior to our shift is unheard of. We merely come and leave on time.

However, considering that it is the Emergency Department, things are unpredictable whereby things could be quiet one moment and hectic the next.

Hence, on days which burn, it can be extremely tiring. But, completing these tagging days are a must and so on slow days where the hours seem to pass by really slowly, I make it a point to have an “hourly toilet break“. On busy days, it may be the only time that I am given a chance to sit and breathe.

On top of that, I made sure I took my lunch and dinner break. Not because I was hungry as I was used to having my meal for the day after work. It was merely my way of spending my time during my tagging days.

At 10pm, the shift is over and I leave, even if the floor is busy because the following day my shift begins at 7am again.

Finally after 10 days of “tagging“, I have finally off-tagged and shifted to “shift hours“.

Photo by Andrey Grushnikov on Pexels.com

There are no assessments in order to off-tag. as there were in other postings, which is a good thing. However, tagging in this posting felt long and seem to went on forever for me. Perhaps, this was because I was mainly tagging alone as I entered a month later than my fellow peers.

Nonetheless, I was glad to be done with this schedule and shift back to a regular 12-hours shift.

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The Theoretical Doctor Aug 15

Jobs That I’ve Had

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What jobs have you had?

Teacher

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My first job that I’ve ever had was as a Teacher.

I had just completed my STPM which is a form of pre-university course in Malaysia, equivalent to that of the UK A-Levels and I was waiting for my results.

At that time, I was on a holiday with my parents and was perusing through Facebook when I came across an advertisement on a job offer at a nearby language centre, looking for an English Language teacher.

Without any expectations, I applied for it. At least, I’d have some exposure and regularity prior to entering Medical School in September that year.

Shortly after I returned home, I received a call and an email responding to my application. I went for the interview session and was soon called back and offered a job to which I accepted.

Barista

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My second job, I was a barista at a coffee shop as well as worked at the cash register of a store, both at the same time during my first and second year of medical school after which I stopped and subsequently used to work as a waitress for an F&B company. That was my third job. My second and third jobs were jobs mainly to earn extra cash after classes amidst my free time.

Looking back, I probably should’ve just focused on my writing.

Junior Doctor

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My fourth and current job is working as a junior doctor at Sarawak General Hospital. I still am one since I started practicing in 2023 and is currently going through my sixth and final rotation (at the time of writing this article) before finally receiving my full APC or license to practice independently both in government or private sector.

Am I ready for it? Certainly not.

However, somehow I haven’t quit and I kept pushing through. I don’t know how or why and before I knew it, 2 years has flown by.

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The Theoretical Doctor Aug 13

Preparing For My Exit From The Medical Posting As A House Officer | Housemanship Diaries

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Medical. My Fifth rotation.

While I was in Medical School, my favourite rotation was the Medical Posting and I’ve always imagined myself being a Medical Officer in Medical.

Thus, upon entering my Housemanship Journey, I did not choose to rotate in Medical as my first posting. Many people said that the Medical Posting is the most difficult posting of all the postings due to the patient load as well as the workload.

Thus, I began in Orthopaedics and placed Medical as my Fifth Posting. Mainly, because I wanted to “enjoy” it. Enjoy it in the sense that I already knew the basics and knew how to function as a House Officer and would be able to learn how to manage the patients.

However, albeit being a senior poster, some old habits retain. In the Medical posting, we were required to hand in our logbooks 2 weeks prior our End of Posting Date.

However, I approached my mentor 5 weeks prior my exit. Unfortunately, my assigned mentor at that time was not available and asked me to approach my Specialist-in-charge of House Officers at that time to request for a new Mentor.

I approached the Specialist-in-charge and was assigned a new mentor which happened to be someone I worked with multiple times while I was in Medical 3.

The following week was a rather tensed week for me as I tried my best to cram as much as I could.

I finally had my assessment with my first mentor who is a Medical Officer that Sunday. Thankfully, I passed.

2 days later, I went for my assessment with my second mentor, my reassigned specialist, who passed me as well.

The issue next was the completion of my 12 CMEs. CME stands for Continuous Medical Education which occurs once a week on Tuesdays. In other postings, only 5 CMEs were required in order to pass. Sadly, it is not the same for the Medical Posting.

Unfortunately, CMEs done online were not acceptable even if there are certificate of attendance.

Luckily, I had attended a Hospital CME some time ago and I was only looking for ONE more CME prior to my exit of this posting.

Thus, I used that to my advantage and finally, I was able to hand in my logbook and officially exit the posting.

Sadly, a few days prior to my exit, something occurred that led to the demise of a patient. But, that is a story for another article. Thankfully, that did not affect my exit from this posting and I exited, on time.

If you are due to finish the Medical Posting or any posting in general, take it as a lesson from me and approach your assessors much earlier.

Otherwise, all the very best!

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The Theoretical Doctor Jul 29

Surviving The Night Shift In The Medical Posting In General | Housemanship Diaries

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The shift that I have always dreaded but enjoyed the most were the night shifts. I dreaded it because I knew that I would be alone most of the time and afraid that I would not be able to cope with the adrenaline rush or anxiety or the craziness that might ensue. However, I enjoyed it because that meant that I will be able to sleep in prior to going for my shift and the following day at 7am, the morning team will start arriving and I am not alone anymore.

The Medical posting in general is a “heavy” posting because of the patient load. Almost all of the patients are so-called “Medical” patients once Surgical, Orthopaedic, Psychiatric or other causes have been ruled out, and it could stem from something as simple as electrolyte imbalance to myocardial infarction or stroke.

Thus, imagine the amount of coming mornings.

Prior to entering this posting, I’ve always enquired and listened to my fellow colleagues’ input and experiences. Most of them would say that “In the Medical posting, the rule of thumb for surviving the night shift is to start taking the bloods as soon as you arrive for the night shift”.

True enough. That is something I have practiced since and even in other postings as you do not know just when something may happen and next thing you know, the sun is rising and your coming mornings are late and the morning team have arrived and the bloods are still pending or not in the system or yet to be taken and the medical officers and specialists have arrived.

Sadly, when there is a delay in the blood investigations, there is a delay in management.

Thus, it is a tachycardic moment for me. Prior to entering my shift, I would screen through the coming morning list and upon arriving, I would usually prep my trolley, ensure my coming mornings are divided and arranged according to their cubicles, ensure enough syringes and needles are set aside as well as the alcohol swabs and cotton swabs.

Then, I will begin taking my coming mornings, usually working my way from the back of the ward then towards the front cubicle, subacute cubicle and finally, ending with the acute cubicle.

Usually in between, something will occur, maybe a patient newly admitted into ward or a patient will suddenly be hypotensive or hypertensive or hypoglycaemic or starts throwing up or wants to have a small talk.

Normally, I would not mind entertaining them. However, if I’m still due to complete my coming mornings, I would proceed to complete it and I usually will not rest until I do. At least I’ll be rest assured that should anything occur in between, I would not have to worry about the completion of my coming mornings.

The night shifts can be rather unpredictable as one minute it can seem rather quiet and calm at first and hectic the next. At times, it can get overwhelming as well.

However, have faith and know that help is always nearby and start taking your bloods as early as possible.

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The Theoretical Doctor Jul 10

The Most Enjoyable and Tiring Day In Medical 3

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I can’t remember which day it was but it was probably during the weekend or a public holiday as I remembered that I was allocated on call who was in charge of this ward.

I was allocated to “General” on that day and was I was alone at that time. I remembered sitting at the other end of the ward at around 11am when one of my colleagues who was allocated to be covering the “Neuro” patients went to have lunch.

The medical officer on call at that time, a rather “happy-go-lucky” and rather jovial person struts into the respiratory cubicle and asked if there were any house officers available?

To which I responded, we’re right here and he came over. He asked for the person who was in charge of the front cubicles which happened to be my colleague who went for lunch. I asked what’s wrong, is there anything I can help with?

He casually replied, nothing much, just walked in and saw a patient’s pulse oximeter reading 70% under room air. Then he laughed.

Me and my friend who happened to be there at that time were shocked and rushed to the patient. True enough, the pulse oximeter reading was 70%, well, 68%. Oddly enough, the patient seemed rather comfortable and not tachypnoeic. In fact, he was surprised as we crowded around his bed, looking concerned.

I asked him if he was having any difficulty breathing which he was not. Thus, our first instinct was probably the machine was faulty and proceeded to check with another vital signs machine.

This time, it was 65%.

I proceeded to take full set of bloods while my medical officer was writing his review and my friend attempted to call my colleague.

I ran his arterial blood gas and it showed Type 1 Respiratory Failure. Considering he did not have a baseline during this admission, we do not know if this was near his baseline or a sudden deterioration.

We called the Peri ICU team and referred the patient for non-invasive ventilatory support (NIV). Imagine, not knowing why this long stay patient was ever here in the first place to summarising the reason for admission down to his current progress. It turns out, he was due to be stepped down to a district hospital for continuation of antibiotics.

Well now, he can’t.

We transferred hum to the acute cubicle for closer monitoring while awaiting the Peri ICU team.

While awaiting, my medical officer decided to check on a patient who was handover to him for afternoon reviews.

This lady was in her 60’s and was admitted for left pleural abscess, meaning there’s pus in her lungs and for this patient, the whole left lung was completely filled. Clinically, she seemed well, speaking in full sentences and laughing to her family members as well in the morning.

In fact. I was even taking her bloods that morning only to have it splashed all over me after attempting to fill the blood culture and sensitivity bottle.

I recalled walking past her as I made my way to the front of the ward and she seemed alright. However, the moment me and my medical officer oncall stood in front of her. She desaturated an started being tachypnoeic.

Well, here’s another one.

There goes the next referral to the Peri ICU team for intubation and also Urology for emergency suprapubic catheter insertion as we attempted to insert a urinary catheter multiple times but failed.

Now, all these events happened very fast but at the same time, time flew by fast. The second patient was intubated and we inserted a femoral venous catheter. My medical officer then wanted to excuse himself to settle the pending discharges in his other ward. However, the first patient wasn’t saturating well under NIV and needed to be intubated.

There goes another intubation as well as another femoral venous catheter insertion. Finally, after all the chaos, things began to finally settle down.

I proceeded to trace my coming mornings, considering that I was the only one in charge of “General” that day and nobody would be helping me. Finally, I proceeded to begin my oncall reviews. This was around 8pm by that time.

After completing my in all reviews with intermittent disturbance in between. I proceeded to aid my friend in preparation of her coming mornings.

It was close to 11pm, I was just clearing my stuffs and getting ready to go when a nurse informed me that a patient seemed rather tachypnoeic.

Annoyed and tired, I attended STAT to find a patient sitting at the side of the bed with his BiPAP machine unlatched and hanging at the side of the bed. The patient beside him then told me, he removed it himself an hour ago.

Boy… Why am I not surprised?

This is another impending intubation.

At this rate, I might as well not leave anymore.

The day was busy enough. I sometimes wonder why is it that we feel guilty to even desire to return home on time? To walk out with the family members watching us finally ecstatic to return home for the day while their family members are stuck in the hospital?

Back to that patient, I didn’t left him gasping on his own of course, I fixed back the BiPAP machine, took an arterial blood gas and alerted my night colleague and medical officer oncall to which they attended STAT.

Thankfully, the following day, I was allocated as night shift. Thus, despite returning home late, I was able to sleep in and recuperate a little before returning back to work that night.

It was a busy day but considerably a rather fun one considering that I happened to work with a rather jovial medical officer oncall and my colleague stayed back to accompany me despite her shift being till 6pm.

Working with certain people definitely helps alleviate some of the pressure of the day.