Dear Jane they just cancelled my favourite show

Dear Jane, everything is terrible, the world is super-heating, there’s a heatwave on, and they just cancelled my favourite show. I’m a glum chum.

Glum of Gillingham

Oh, Glum of Gillingham, you poor, steamy pudding of despair,

First of all, let’s agree that when the world is on fire, both metaphorically and quite possibly literally, one must take immediate and decisive action. And by that, I mean retreat into the shade with a cold teapot full of lukewarm optimism and a sponge cake the size of a modest pony.

Now, I know the news is dire, the sky is melting, and your favourite show has been booted into the cancellation abyss where all excellent things go to be forgotten by television executives with absolutely no taste. This is what I call a Grade A emotional scorcher.

Here is my solution. Stop everything, fling open your sock drawer, and select the most cooling pair you own. Preferably something breezy, made of a loose weave, or possibly crocheted by an eccentric aunt with a passion for ventilation. Slip them on, place your feet in a salad bowl of chilled custard, and recite comforting phrases from my book, “Keep Calm and Boil the Kettle Anyway.”

The heatwave? Wear a hat with its own shade system. I sell a model called the “SilliBrolly” which is essentially a gazebo you strap to your shoulders. Not entirely door-friendly, but marvellous for spontaneous shade.

And the cancelled show? Just act out all the episodes yourself in sock puppet form. Invite neighbours. Charge admission. Recast the lead as a pineapple. Nothing heals like interpretive fruit theatre.

My dear, when life scorches, we sip tea with ice cubes and we rise like a flan in a cupboard.

Yours coolly under many layers of impractical millinery,
Lady Jane Sillybottom
Mistress of Mirth, Sock Whisperer, and Full-Time Avoider of Reality

Jane Sillybottom is a work of fiction written in collaboration with AI. On no account should anyone follow her advice unless you really want to. There’s no accounting for some people.

#custardFootbath #glum