Daughter's parents night, with biology teacher "excellent progress, she's a rock star". I said "surely she should be in geology then?". Both just stared at me. Headteacher walking past said "Gold star for dad joke of the night". Confession is, I'm proud as punch with that.

Daughter's parents night, with biology teacher "excellent progress, she's a rock star". I said "surely she should be in geology then?". Both just stared at me. Headteacher walking past said "Gold star for dad joke of the night". Confession is, I'm proud as punch with that.

#confession

Had a diary input and didn't know what it was for and couldn't find the email to tell me. Turned up to a conference to deliver a keynote speech. Thank god I am good a winging it. Got a standing ovation. Now driving two hours for another diary input I haven't a clue about.

Had a diary input and didn't know what it was for and couldn't find the email to tell me. Turned up to a conference to deliver a keynote speech. Thank god I am good a winging it. Got a standing ovation. Now driving two hours for another diary input I haven't a clue about.

#confession

Confess what you've been hiding. Add it here: https://b3ta.com/addfess

Confess what you've been hiding. Add it here: b3ta.com/addfess

#confession

Every week day I arrive home from work around 6.30pm. What i'm not prepared to tell my wife is I should be home at 5.45pm, but that would require me to do a terrifying right turn onto a busy main road, so instead I turn left and go the long way home.

Every week day I arrive home from work around 6.30pm. What i'm not prepared to tell my wife is I should be home at 5.45pm, but that would require me to do a terrifying right turn onto a busy main road, so instead I turn left and go the long way home.

#confession

I resented my mum not getting me from nursery when I was a toddler. She'd arranged for the mother of another boy to collect and feed me before I was picked up when my mum came back from work. So I lowered my trousers and pissed on her friend's carpet. Problem sorted, for me.

I resented my mum not getting me from nursery when I was a toddler. She'd arranged for the mother of another boy to collect and feed me before I was picked up when my mum came back from work. So I lowered my trousers and pissed on her friend's carpet. Problem sorted, for me.

#confession

Always liked animals. Mum left me in the garden and went next door. I played with the fox cubs. Then I invited them into our house and fed them stewing meat for that night's dinner. They pissed on the sofa and dad had to take it to the dump. You can't get rid of the smell.

Always liked animals. Mum left me in the garden and went next door. I played with the fox cubs. Then I invited them into our house and fed them stewing meat for that night's dinner. They pissed on the sofa and dad had to take it to the dump. You can't get rid of the smell.

#confession

Come to Fesshole Live in 2026! Tickets on sale for Manchester, Hull & Cambridge. Sweden Tour visits Malmö, Göteborg and Stockholm. Best of Fesshole, audience confessions, secret history & more: https://sites.google.com/view/fesshole

Come to Fesshole Live in 2026! Tickets on sale for Manchester, Hull & Cambridge. Sweden Tour visits Malmö, Göteborg and Stockholm. Best of Fesshole, audience confessions, secret history & more: sites.google.com/view/fessho…

#confession

The weirdest thing about being a minor celebrity is the number of people who suddenly wants to be your friend. I'm the same mostly boring person I've been for decades, but fame seems to flick a switch in peoples brains. I've gone from maybe six party invites a year to two a week.

The weirdest thing about being a minor celebrity is the number of people who suddenly wants to be your friend. I'm the same mostly boring person I've been for decades, but fame seems to flick a switch in peoples brains. I've gone from maybe six party invites a year to two a week.

#confession

Made an off the cuff joke about whether fingering a squirrel counted as beastiality and got a few laughs in the office. However, me then googling "Do squirrels have a clitoris" prompted a HR investigation.

Made an off the cuff joke about whether fingering a squirrel counted as beastiality and got a few laughs in the office. However, me then googling "Do squirrels have a clitoris" prompted a HR investigation.

#confession

After the wedding ceremony and party we took the lift to the bridal suite in the hotel. I said "I wonder how many other couples have celebrated their wedding in this bed." Apparently that was not the correct observation for that moment.

After the wedding ceremony and party we took the lift to the bridal suite in the hotel. I said "I wonder how many other couples have celebrated their wedding in this bed." Apparently that was not the correct observation for that moment.

#confession