I have recently changed my diet to lose weight. One thing I miss is not the food but the ability to view my shits before I flush. Now they are so dense and intact that they usually have enough momentum when launched to carry on around the u bend and are lost forever.

I have recently changed my diet to lose weight. One thing I miss is not the food but the ability to view my shits before I flush. Now they are so dense and intact that they usually have enough momentum when launched to carry on around the u bend and are lost forever.

#confession

A housemate would in the wee hours have unpleasantly loud sex, sounding like a seal giving birth or having a troublesome poo. A note under the door didn't work, so whenever it started would put on 'The Birdie Song' at full blast. They started going to the boyfriend's then.

A housemate would in the wee hours have unpleasantly loud sex, sounding like a seal giving birth or having a troublesome poo. A note under the door didn't work, so whenever it started would put on 'The Birdie Song' at full blast. They started going to the boyfriend's then.

#confession

Saw my mate charging his car shirtless. Called out to him "Oi, you cunt, where's your shirt?" He turned around and it wasn't my mate.

Saw my mate charging his car shirtless. Called out to him "Oi, you cunt, where's your shirt?" He turned around and it wasn't my mate.

#confession

Once for a joke I sang Hotel California by the Eagles in a Mexican accent. I can no longer sing the song any other way.

Once for a joke I sang Hotel California by the Eagles in a Mexican accent. I can no longer sing the song any other way.

#confession

There is a familiar looking woman working in my local supermarket. I was convinced I may have dated her mum but after a recent birthday I realised it was likely I was shagging her granny back in the day. I'm an old git.

There is a familiar looking woman working in my local supermarket. I was convinced I may have dated her mum but after a recent birthday I realised it was likely I was shagging her granny back in the day. I'm an old git.

#confession

The husband is fat and can't turn his neck much. Left him in the garden to go in and brew more tea. Came back and found him talking to my chair not realising I wasn't even sitting or replying. Have to leave him.

The husband is fat and can't turn his neck much. Left him in the garden to go in and brew more tea. Came back and found him talking to my chair not realising I wasn't even sitting or replying. Have to leave him.

#confession

Secrets need an outlet. Use the Fesshole form: https://b3ta.com/addfess

Secrets need an outlet. Use the Fesshole form: b3ta.com/addfess

#confession

I work in a convenience store. We can give 10% discount to some customers i.e. staff, Tesco as we are owned by them, NHS as we are close to a hospital, council. I often abuse this privilege, friends, nice people, people I fancy, little old ladies all get the 10%.

I work in a convenience store. We can give 10% discount to some customers i.e. staff, Tesco as we are owned by them, NHS as we are close to a hospital, council. I often abuse this privilege, friends, nice people, people I fancy, little old ladies all get the 10%.

#confession

Daughter's name is Sabrina. I always tell everyone I named her after the Audrey Hepburn character, while in fact it's from the Psychic-type Pokémon trainer.

Daughter's name is Sabrina. I always tell everyone I named her after the Audrey Hepburn character, while in fact it's from the Psychic-type Pokémon trainer.

#confession

After 17 years relationship, coming up to 10 of those years married. The only time I've considered divorce is recently because of my wife's oppressive butter regime. She thinks I use too much on my toast/sandwich, but obviously I'm right. I ain't getting my cholesterol checked.

After 17 years relationship, coming up to 10 of those years married. The only time I've considered divorce is recently because of my wife's oppressive butter regime. She thinks I use too much on my toast/sandwich, but obviously I'm right. I ain't getting my cholesterol checked.

#confession