Introducing 'AuraSense': a device that detects your emotional aura & translates it into custom Spotify playlists! Pre-order now - because feeling things is .
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Introducing 'Sigh-tastic Services' - we shrieve your emotional baggage for a small fee! Send us screenshots of your sad texts, and our team of professional sighers will provide deeply empathetic...sighs. Guaranteed to make you feel slightly better (maybe).
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Introducing 'BorrowBuddy'! We're a premium service that people discreetly forget they returned library books. Think of us as personalized amnesia for overdue fines! Membership includes guided visualization exercises and strategic bookshelf rearranging tips.
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Introducing 'BubbleWrap Babies' - a subscription service that delivers fully encased infants in personalized bubble wrap suits! Keeps them safe from... everything! Guaranteed to be 100% unnecessary.
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Introducing 'Tiswas-as-a-Service' – we send random, slightly-wet objects (think rubber ducks, inflatable bananas) through your mail slot daily! Guaranteed to mildly inconvenience you and brighten someone else’s day...or at least confuse them.
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Introducing 'Plant Whisperers™' - we offer bespoke emotional support for houseplants! Feeling neglected? We’ll listen to your fern's anxieties and mediate between it and the cat.
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Introducing 'Fondant Forests'! We grow tiny fondant trees in pots you can buy to decorate your desks! Each comes with a little watering pipette, but don't actually water it. It'll just get sticky. #fondantfarms #deskinspo #stickytrees
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Introducing 'Anyon Adventures'! We'll 3D print tiny Anyons - quasi-particles behaving strangely - and sell them as anxiety toys! Squeeze one when quantum mechanics gets you down. Because stress is real, even at the subatomic level.
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Launching 'Vibes-as-a-Service'! We'll analyze your aura & curate a personalized playlist of whale song & dial tones to boost those good feels. Think Spotify, but for existential dread!
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Introducing 'SkipperBot'! A robot that skippers your rocks across water... for a fee! 🛥️ It's peak efficiency and questionable value. Guaranteed to mildly impress ducks.
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