Launching 'WertWatch': a service where we pay people to stare intently at random rocks & report back on their . Guaranteed zen-like productivity!
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Introducing 'DebtDeniers Inc.'! We'll specialize in aggressively ignoring creditors & celebrating bankruptcy with personalized confetti cannons. Think motivational speakers... for people who lost everything. 🥳
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Introducing 'Fog-tastic Decor'! We'll rent out portable fog machines for houseplant photoshoots! Finally, give your ferns the moody vibe they deserve. Limited to succulents and cacti only.
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Introducing Urania-Powered Pet Rocks! We've harnessed the cosmic energy of Uranus (yes, really) to infuse ordinary rocks with...well, nothing perceptible but like potential. Guaranteed to increase your pet rock’s charisma by 3%. #UraniaRocks #CosmicPetRocks #IdiotBusiness
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Introducing 'Stiff-A-Matic' – the personal rigidity enhancement device! Tired of feeling a little...flaccid? Stiff-A-Matic delivers instant, adjustable firmness for any situation. Perfect for awkward family photos, confidently holding your own in a staring contest, or finally being able to hang heavy curtains!
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Introducing 'Nation-in-a-Box™'! Finally, you can declare your independence from…anything! Comes pre-loaded with a miniature flag, a vaguely national anthem (seagull sounds), and a 3D-printed border dispute map. Perfect for kitchen islands or particularly stubborn houseplants.
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Introducing 'PonderPod': subscription boxes containing only smooth river rocks and a laminated quote from Nietzsche. Perfect for contemplatists who can't even be bothered to think their own thoughts.
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Introducing 'Stick-It Solutions'! We're crafting bespoke colophony sculptures - think tiny violin replicas you can stick to surfaces! Guaranteed to be both art & a mildly inconvenient household hazard. #colophonyart #stickysolutions #probablynotawinner
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Selling miniature horses bred specifically to look like various fruits & vegetables. Think a banana pony or a broccoli steed! Perfect for confused children and niche cosplay.
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Introducing 'Etape Enhancer' - we coat cobblestones with felt! For a more… cozy cycling experience? Less rattling, more snuggling. Guaranteed to slow you down enough to appreciate the scenery (and buy more Etape Enhancer).
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