This wasn't planned but its where my inspiration took me last night. Some might remember my poem called No Longer Paint It Black. That I did write and post end of February this year. Well my inspiration kinda took me back in the source of the inspiration behind that poem.
#behindthepoem
https://mysteriesbyrose.wordpress.com/2025/12/21/behind-the-poem-paint-it-black-poems/
Behind the poem Edge of Madness poems
It was meant to be just one poem
Well it seems like there will be couple more poems under the edge of madness theme. After written the first one I did end up going back to that theme/inspiration. Clearly I’m not done with it since the edge of madness still keeps inspiring me. Even though the major part of the inspiration is coming from more of a darker place. And a darker chapter in my life actually. From many years ago.
The one major part of inspiration behind these poems is relationship I was in when I was in my late teen years and early twenties. That did turn into a emotionally abusive relationship over the years. My now ex actually spend years lock in mental hospital. Actually lock in against their own will. I was with that person through all those years. Supporting and trying to be there anyway I could. From visiting at the hospital and being contact by phone when my ex had access to the phone. Several times my ex did lose the access to the phone. And I had to call the mental hospital behalf of my ex’s parents to ask what was going on this time. Even though I was same age as my ex dealing all of those types of things did always fall on me. Those years were so hard.
Still not sure how I got through it all. Because being the support for anyone in mental hospital takes a huge toll on a person. Same time my ex was in the youth side. One of my friend had a friend in adults side. We visited same time the hospital certain days. So we started to go into café afterwards to sit and talk. It helped so much having someone else to talk about everything related mental hospital. Not only about my ex and friend of my friend but situations of with other patients as well. How we felt about things and situations. There was even couple short lockdowns because of dangerous situations with a patient. Couple times we both were lock inside the hospital in the rooms who we were visiting. Or both or one of us was lock outside and could not visit the hospital. Those situations the one left outside stayed at café waiting. Because it seems like whenever there is sudden lockdown there was patients that started to scream and cause issues for staff to deal. I hated that I had to leave my ex in there. And part that always broke my heart was how used my ex was with the screaming and everything. Also seeing and hearing about a lot of suicide attempts and other things like that. It’s hard to explain people who has no real life experience with mental hospitals what it all really is. Having a friend to talk about everything was big help to both of us. Especially right after visiting. Compared what it felt after visiting without those conversations afterwards. Both of us could breakdown and cry. Especially because we needed to be the strong ones while visiting there.
For me one of the hardest things was to realizing that the person who went in never came out there. It took me few years later in therapy after our relationship ended. To understand that the person I fell in love had been gone many years before I noticed the change fully. Not sure what the reason were. Was it because of the mental illnesses or the treatments and all the those experiences. All of it had shaped my ex becoming someone else entirely. After all we are talking about person in teen years lock in mental hospital. And actually growing up there and in that environment. I do understand how all of that does shape a person. Because those years shaped me as well.
All I know more years went by the more toxic our relationship did become. And my ex become very emotionally abusive. It took me years to escape that relationship. And yes I really mean escape not just end that relationship. I did need to escape from it. I don’t even know how many times I left and went back. Before, it truly was the last time. But when it was the last time I never looked back or went back. No contact is lasting to this day. And I’m never gonna break it.
I have truly being in the edge of madness. It wasn’t mine. But it had become my life for so many years. I was being afraid of constantly falling over that edge. Or that the person I loved would go over that edge and would never come back. That actually did end up happening in the end. Who did came back over the edge looked like person I loved. But inside wasn’t ever again that same person.
Unfortunately my ex happens to be one of those people who didn’t get better at mental hospital. Only end up worse and lost so much of the person that used to be. Sometimes even treatments won’t help or work. Just like with addictions. It doesn’t work for everyone. The sweet and loving person who went in never came out. It seems like that part had been lost or died during those years.
Why I end up writing about it again after so many years? It was my ex’s birthday last week. All those memories did come back into my mind after a long time.
Being reminded of the years I did live edge of madness. Back then I truly did think I was living inside of a never ending nightmare. I could never escape. Especially when everything did get worse and worse as the years went by. It feels good look back knowing all that is behind me forever. It is never gonna come back. And I did survive that toxic emotionally abusive relationship. It did left scars that can’t be seen. But I got out. To anyone going through something similar. Yes there are ways out. It’s really hard and difficult to get type abusive relationships. Nowadays there is a lot of help online and other resources available around the world. Anyone planning to leave please plan it and try get out the safest way possible. If you don’t feel safe enough to research those online resources own devices go local library and use their computers if they have those or online café for the online searches and creating new email that can’t be traced to your own devices. Better be extra safe because leaving an abusive relationship is dangerous.
So the memories of those years did turn into a poem. That has now end up two finished poems and one unfinished. It actually feels good write those poems and getting those feelings out. I don’t know how many poems it will end up become. I will link up here in the end and update this list of the poems under this post. When I do post the poems that are inspired by edge of madness theme and that part of my life.
The first poem was more generally about what inspired me. Because I wasn’t ready to dive deeper into my own past at that moment. And write it from my life. But the next two are me diving deeper into my own past. Into the memories and feelings… Allowing myself to feel it and most importantly see it through eyes of who I am now and not only that young woman who I was back then. Who was so trapped in edge of madness and thought there would never be anything else in life than that edge and never ending nightmare. But there was. And still will be so much more wonderful things to come in the future. I can’t wait to see what wonderful things life will bring to me next.
The list of poems
Done dancing on the edge of madness
Chasing reality where was none
With love C.F. Grönroos
Creator of the Mysteries by Rose
#BehindThePoem #CFGrönroos #MysteriesByRose #Poetry #writing #WritingPoetry
It was meant to be just one poem. Well it seems like there will be couple more poems under the edge of madness theme. After written the first one I did end up going back to that theme/inspiration. Clearly I'm not done with it since the edge of madness still keeps inspiring me.
#behindthepoem
https://mysteriesbyrose.wordpress.com/2025/11/11/behind-the-poem-edge-of-madness-poems/
Two poems telling two sides what happened. I was struggling to find inspirations couple days ago. But then I found inspiration somewhere I have never found it before. While waiting find inspiration I started to listen podcasts that were Reddit post read on YouTube.
#behindthepoem
https://mysteriesbyrose.wordpress.com/2025/10/31/behind-the-poem-he-started-it-she-finished-it/
C.F. Grönroos
Mysteries by Rose