RheumatoidRebelFuck, was I frustrated earlier! And now I've come down from that spike, I just... don't know quite what to do with my day.
Yesterday, I strimmed a tiny area of grass and weeds outside my back door. Today, I'm paying for it with increased pain and limited mobility. I thought the frustration was less about the limits on my capacity (background noise), and more about the lack of help and support from friends and neighbours.
No, it's not a rant: I know that people have good intentions, but also their own lives, their own chores. But that doesn't stop the feelings of disappointment, isolation, and frustration. I mean, take yesterday's task. OK, it wasn't life or death stuff, and I had actually asked a friend to strim my plot for me, and she'd said yes. So why did I attempt it? Several reasons.
First of all, not life or death, but weighing on my mind enough to make it difficult to relax and do other, more manageable things (the area that I tackled being constantly visible from inside my home). And I'm grateful my friend said she'd do it, but I can't start demanding it be done now, ASAP, today... yet that's what I needed. So I did it myself, and paid the price.
When I sat down with that frustration/understanding about my friends and neighbours, I realised that the frustration at my own lack of capacity was louder than I'd realised, too. But extending that same level of understanding to myself is harder, somehow. Actually, not "somehow": it's really only in recent years that I've learned to have any kind of compassion for myself. And what a game changer that is!
So I guess I'll have to learn to hold that frustration/understanding axis about my own physical capacity, too.
Great, more 'work'!
#RheumatoidArthritis #ChronicIllness #AutoimmuneDisease
#LivingWithRA #SpoonieLife #HealingInProgress #SupportingMyBody
#RheumatoidRevolution
#ChronicIllnessWarrior #SelfCare #mentalhealth
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