I dislike the distinction between monogamy and polyamory since it does nothing to challenge allonormativity.
Putting romantic and/or sexual relationships (though in allonormativity they are deeply interwoven) on a pedestal is not only extremly ace- and aromisic, since it bars aroace people from the realm of "true" relationships, it is is also very isolating and traps people in abusive situations since only those who are part of the "true" relationship can, accoring to the allonormative framework, determine its value.
We can hopefully agree that going "I am platonically monogamous and I expect you to be that too" is extremly controlling.
It's of course okay to prioritize certain people or relationships, even singular ones, but that isn't what monogamy implies. Monogamy implies that you are not allowed to have multiple relationships of that type. A very isolating experience.
A distinction between monogamy and polyamory does nothing to challenge this controlling view of relationships an just puts it onto a spectrum of relationship types. Especially since often polyamory just means polyamorous monogamy, which carry their own controlling dynamics.
Of course just going "free love" is not the answer to that. The 70s and everything afterwards have proven often enough how that can easily spiral into its own abusive dynamics and can be used for social control, pressuring people into relationships for the sake of "fighting monogamy". Which totally disregards the larger context of sex and romantic relationships in a patriarchal context, how they were formed in an attempt to establish colonial norms to justify slavery and exploitation and how they are always avenues for social control in that given system.
Relationship anarchism is a more fruitful approach towards that dilemma, but many people don't really engage with the anarchist part of it and fall into the same controlling muster that "free" love and liberal sexual liberation fall into.
As long as patriarchy is around it will try to worm itself into every relationship we have, the social pedestal of romantic and/or sexual relationships make them a especially juicy target and paints any being which falls outside allonormative norms as an even bigger target because of the social transgression of not being part of the power games around allonormative relationships.
So if we want to challenge the deathgrip that monogamy and allonormativity have on our relationships we need to approach them with a grounding in aroace, feminist, Black liberationist and anarchist frameworks.
#feminism #transfeminism #anarchafeminism #allonormativity
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