Agony Aunt: “My boyfriend’s vaping angers citizens…” 💨

Some human males vape heavily as they consider it to be good for them and/or something. But the reality is, a vaping boyfriend is a vapid boyfriend. A menace to society.

Today’s human female needs help controlling her boyfriend’s vacant vaping, with plumes of smoke surging around ready to asphyxiate those around him. PROFESSIONAL MORON TO THE RESCUE! 🦹‍♂️

When a Man Vapes So Much It Threatens City Air Pollution Targets

Dear agony aunt,

My boyfriend Claude is a great man, a French man, and his English is better than most tabloid readers. However, he was one habit that makes me want to repeatedly punch him in the face… VAPING.

He vapes day and night. It’s really annoying because he does it indoors or outdoors, huge plumes of smoke wafting around everywhere, which has angered some UK citizens because the stuff goes everywhere in a big whoosh like he’s a bloody magician doing a magic trick! Yeah, too, it really, really pisses some people off.

Last week we left the train station and he was vaping away, he took a big drag and exhaled and this plume of mints & menthols flavour swamped around this heavily tattooed, sunburned guy wearing an England football shirt. Well, turns out that guy DETESTS mints & menthols. It’s his LEAST FAVOURITE brand of “baccy” (his words for tobacco) and he was determined to punch Claude’s lights out because of the injustice of it all. He didn’t punch Claude’s lights out because Claude ran off in a panic and the big fella was one of those big guys who’s big in the sense he can’t move so fast, but is threatening all the same.

The problem is, this keeps happening. And some of the guys Claude pisses off are able to move at speed. It happened this weekend and Claude had his nose broken because, when running away from another bloke, he ran into a lamppost.

We went to hospital to get him fixed up. Now when he vapes his nose makes this high-pitched squeaking noise, so Claude is even more annoying and it’s really pissing me off!

What can I do!? It’s not going to be long until someone MURDERS him dead because of how annoying his smoke exhalation habits are. And I’m not joking, I might be the one who does him in! And that means this agony aunt column will be used against me in a court of law! And I don’t want to go to prison for life!

Yours,

Cindy

Hi there, Cindy! Gosh, like Cyndi Lauper?! Girls just DON’T want to have fun, eh!?

Well, anyway, there’s a very simple solution to this dilemma. Secretly swap his mint & menthols vape capsules for something a tad more disgusting. For example, one of these flavours:

• Wet dog
• Damp basement
• Tax audit paper mould stench
• Microwaved fish
• Man with BO on a hot summer day

Those putrid reeks don’t actually exist on the vaping market at the moment, so you’ll have to be ingenious and get the scents yourself. For example, for “man with BO on a hot summer day” you’ll need to scrape some of the BO off from one of his putrid armpits. Be warned, guys like that don’t react well to such things, so be prepared to kick him in the testicles and do a runner.

But once Claude has whiffed one of those bad boys, he’ll never go near a vape again (probably) and will take up a hobby such as hardcore drug addiction. That’s much more salubrious for all concerned. All the best, Lauper!

Agony Aunt: “Husband in his underwear in a heatwave…” ☀️🩲

Whenever there’s a heatwave in the UK, the British human male must ask himself this question: “Just how far am I willing to go to humiliate myself?”

Whether it’s parading around Tesco with his top off and in flipflops, or deciding a heatwave strategy is underpants only, the human females of the world can only watch on… and wonder.

When a Man and His Underpants Tackle a Heatwave

Dear agony aunt,

There’s the first heatwave of the year in England. My husband Terry (54) has decided his heatwave strategy for the year is to glisten himself up in suntan lotion, then parade around in only his underwear. He goes everything like that: to the shops, to work, to the cinema, to the restaurants etc. We’ve been banned from many places…

Terry doesn’t see the problem with his underpants strategy. Everyone else is repulsed by it.

Now, I love my husband of 20 years but this is a step too far. He’s a large man and watching him wobbling around in the sun, glistening, drenched in sweat, his underpants clinging on for dear life to protect his modesty, and it makes me think he’s unfit for society and should be sectioned. Or is that a step too far?

Anyway, I proposed the idea to him last night like this:

“Husband, you’re making a fool of yourself with this underpants in a heatwave dress sense. Look at you. You’re covered in blisters from sunburn and you have a grimace of agony on your blotched face. This is no good, I think you should have yourself committed. It’s for your own good.”

Well, he didn’t react very well to that. He huffed and puffed and all that huffing and puffing split some of his sunburn blisters and they turned into howls of agony. While he lay on the floor wailing, that’s when I took the chance and got the medical people out and try and get him sectioned. I explained to them he’s clinically insane as he was wandering around in underpants during a heatwave. Well… and get this… the male physicians got really offended about this because THEY WALK AROUND IN UNDERPANTS IN A HEATWAVE AS WELL.

It’s just something older men do, apparently…

They refused to have Terry sectioned. Instead, they gave him a glass of lemonade and an ice lolly and smeared Sudocrem all over him for the sunburn. They said he’ll be “right as rain” in a few days, I just have to keep feeding him ice lollies, chilled lemonade, and smearing Sudocrem all over him.

Needless to say, Terry isn’t talking to me now. He thinks I’m “evil” and “demon spawn”.

How do I save my marriage? Do I even want to save my marriage?

Yours,

Vera

Vera… you’ve committed a very grave mistake in challenging your husband on this matter. It is every man’s right to “parade” (as you so obnoxiously put it) around in his undies during a heatwave. What sort of deranged wife wouldn’t let a man breathe in such a way?

Your husband is right to not want to talk to you.

You can tell how angry we are as we had to use “to” some THREE times in that last sentence! Who do you think you are!? Honestly. We’re sitting here, taking our time to respond to you, during a heatwave, WHILST WEARING OUR FAVOURITE UNDERPANTS! What, exactly, is wrong with that?! Hmmm!?

You’re permanently banned from requesting agony aunt feedback for the rest of time. Good day, madam!

Agony Aunt: “Boyfriend listens to TECHNO music for sleep!” 📻

When one is about to go to sleep, one may choose to listen to relaxing noises such as whale song, rainfall, birds chirping, working class geezers belching, and TECHNO, TECHNO, TECHNO.

As there’s no limit. There’s no limit, we’ll reach for the sky, no valley too deep, no mountain too high. No, no limits etc. Unless of course you’re like today’s human female, who can’t fall asleep due to her human male husband’s noise related sleeping process.

Techno Music as a Sleep Assistant

Dear agony aunt,

I have not slept properly since November 2025. My husband… sorry, boyfriend, we’re not married… my boyfriend got a ghetto blaster for his birthday from his mates. Him and his mates have got into this trend called Techno Sleeping where they go to bed and fall asleep to the pelting sounds of techno music blasting at full volume. My boyfriend has dedicated his bedtime routine to this for six months now. Here’s the problem:

• He does not get any sleep
• I do not get any sleep
• Our neighbours do not get any sleep
• The local council has just issued us with a £5,000 fine for repeated noise disturbances

My boyfriend? He’s so dedicated to this Techno Sleeping thing and blasting out 2 Unlimited’s 1993 techno hit No Limit. He’s worried his mates think he’s “not cool” if he stops. So it’s No Limit on repeat all night from 10pm until 7am and I’m genuinely amazed I haven’t smashed his brains in with a sledgehammer or something.

And I even bought a sledgehammer for that exact purpose! I just also realised it’s murder and all that, so stopped myself. But one more night of this… ONE MORE NIGHT OF NO NO, NO NO NO NO, NO NO THERE’S NO LIMIT. There is a limit FFS and I’m one step away from it!

The submission abruptly ended there, but the women contacted us again this morning with the below update.

Well I went and did it. I got the sledgehammer. In a rage. In a sleep deprivation rage! While I was screaming like that bit in The Exorcist when her head twists around. Then I did it! I went and SMASHED his goddamn ghetto blaster! I smashed the fucker to smithereens in a rage, dragged the debris outside into the street, and BURNED the debris into the ground!!!!!!!

My boyfriend has since entered a state of shock and is now in what’s called a “fugue” dissociative state. His hair has turned white and he then entered a coma. Doctors at the hospital told me it’s acute, horrific trauma caused by me destroying his ghetto blaster in a rage.

If he cops it, they’ve told me I’ll get a manslaughter charge.

Struggling with insomnia, I remembered that bit from the Naked Gun reboot with Liam Neeson and said, “Man’s laughter?! Must have been quite the joke!” The police officers did not appreciate that joke. They all gave me stony stares and my flat is now under 24/7 surveillance to ensure I don’t destroy any other ghetto blasters.

Advice?

Thanks, Abbie

Hi there, Abbie! Well, that’s quite the pickle you’re in there. We can’t say we’ve had to deal with any specific situations like this before, you’re a true one off.

However, our learned agony aunt genius (we’re winners of Worst Agony of the Year Award in 2016, 2017, 2019, 2022, 2023, and a projected win for 2029) tells us the obvious answer. And it is this…

Don’t destroy anymore ghetto blasters.

That should do the trick, love! Unless you get his with a manslaughter charge. Maybe then you could try that Naked Gun joke on a judge and hope he has a better sense of humour than those coppers. 👍

Agony Aunt: “Are keyboard touch typing skills ATTRACTIVE!?” ⌨️

Some human males delude themselves into believing certain actions are attractive. Today’s human male has decided his brilliance on a keyboard should be enough to impress even the most attractive dame.

Amy Adams? Sandra Hüller? Sandra Bullock? Other women called Sandra? All should be dropping before his most attractive typing might. Is this so? Let us explore the typing topic.

Touch Typing is the Secret to Great Romance?

Agony aunt,

I am in agony. I’ve just spend the last 72 hours touch typing my way to the annual Touch Typing Championship 2026. It was the most competitive year I’ve ever taken part in, but I fended off a young upstarter whom tried to STEAL my crown by thrashing him with a touch typing speed of 230 WPM (words per minute) compared to his PATHETIC 215 WPM. What a pathetic boy, he should leave competitions like this to MEN like me.

However, once the event ended and I was crowned the deserving champion I turned and looked around me, rightfully expecting very hot women to begin hurling themselves at me for a date and/or marriage.

But… nothing.

There was one chick there who glanced at me and I glared at her expectantly, but she just wandered off and got a hotdog from a hotdog stand. Try to comprehend that. SHE WANTED TO EAT A HOTDOG INSTEAD OF DATING A TOUCH TYPING CHAMPION. What is the world coming to? That is feminism. This is the wokeness and it’s ruining society.

I can’t possible be wrong. What could possibly be unattractive about someone being able to have this God-given skill that others can only dream of? It shows:

• Tenacity
• Intellectual genius
• Versatility
• Emotional intelligence
• Wit
• Charm
• An enjoyment of keyboards
• Dedication

How can women look me in the eye (me, admittedly not the best looking guy ever, but a touch typing genius) and think this isn’t worthy of their time?

On my Tinder dating profile I lead with it: DEREK, 33, TOUCH TYPING GENIUS

I then list out my many championship victories and link to an article that was written about me, in which I make confident (not arrogant, confident) claims about how superior I am to everyone else. And yet in the last three months I’ve swiped on over 10,000 women and only three have swiped back. One ended up being a guy pretending to be a woman, the other two were scammers thinking I’ve made a tonne of money from my victories. I haven’t. I’ve actually lost money because it’s £100 to enter the competitions. That and the keyboard investments and I’m down about £500 over the last decade due to all of this.

AND NO HOT WOMEN.

Please. Advice needed. Is it my keyboard?! It’s all black, do I need a more feminine one or something to show off my sensitive side?

Yours,

Derek

Hi there, Derek! To help you out, we went out onto the streets of Manchester city centre and randomly began demanding answers from women we encountered: “WHY WON’T YOU DATE, DEREK!?” We roared, “HE’S A TOUCH TYPING WORLD CHAMPION!”

It turns out (from the ones who didn’t run away, at least) they’re more interested in personality traits such as kindness, humour, compassion, intelligence, and an interest in the arts.

None of them were impressed or interested in the typing thing. One of them said it was “weird”*. Sorry about that! Maybe take up a new hobby.

*We have subsequently learned Derek had a stroke after reading that someone found the touch typing thing “weird”. Although he’s since recovered from that, he’s quit his day job and entered a deep, dark depression of marathon touch typing sessions. Derek… for GOD’S SAKE, man. This is not the answer. Take up golf, or something.

Agony Aunt: “Husband REFUSES to use umbrella in the rain!” ☔

Some human males get it into their brains that using an umbrella isn’t manly. That wandering around in rural/urban environments getting soaking wet is a sign of masculinity. That using an umbrella emasculates the human male and makes them a WUSS.

They’re 100% correct, OF COURSE, and we’re here today to put a human female in her place. Umbrellas have no place in civilizes society! They’re communist, woke, and they make us nauseous just thinking about them.

How Umbrellas Emasculate Husbands (and other men)

Dear agony,

My husband, Jeff, is a grown adult of 39 and he REFUSES to use an umbrella. We’ve been married a year and I got him an umbrella last month because he kept wandering around outside in the rain. I was wondering why he was doing this, but he revealed it’s so he looks “manly”.

He thinks walking about outside when it rains, getting sopping wet, makes him an alpha male…

So I got him an umbrella. The moment he saw the umbrella he turned very pale, then bright red, then pale again. Trembling, he pointed a finger at me and wailed, “TAKE THAT FUCKING THING OUT OF THIS HOUSE THIS INSTANT!” And he punched a fist against a wall. I was shocked and didn’t react. “WELL!?!” He roared. I was flabbergasted and couldn’t respond. He stormed out in a huff, slammed the door, and went to the pub. He hung out in the pub until it started raining, then came home and started pacing back and forth outside our house in the rain. This was to make a point that he’s a real man.

He refused to come into the house until the umbrella was “destroyed”.

I told him that there are several umbrellas in the house, all mine apart from the one I bought him so he wouldn’t get wet in the rain like a jackass. To prove his manliness, he then ripped his top off and stood there in the rain beating his chest like some stupid ape. I left him to it.

Later that night, when he was in hospital having developed hypothermia and hooked up to a drip and him looking ashen and exhausted, he croaked to me whether the umbrellas were all “destroyed”. I told him “no” and he was once again outraged. He insisted I bring them into the hospital and “burn them to the ground” before his very eyes. Otherwise he’d divorce me.

Blackmail? Kind of, wasn’t it? Anyway, I had no choice… I AM NOT GETTING A DIVORCE. Thus, I brought the umbrellas into hospital, poured petrol over them, and ignited them there in the ward. My husband was pleased, but the hospital staff (nurses, doctors, brain surgeons etc.) were not best pleased. In fact, I was arrested. Did I do a bad or something?

And I still think my husband should use an umbrella! It’s childish seeing him drenched in the rain when he could just put a brolly up! What’s crazy about that!? But I need to broach the subject carefully, otherwise I’ll be single.

Yours,

Angela

Hi there, Angela. We must say, your blatant bullying of your husband has been quite enraging to read. It is tacit internal law: NO MAN SHOULD USE AN UMBRELLA. It makes him look like a gay wimp. And there’s nothing worse for man babies than projecting their own insecurities onto everyone else around them like that.

As such, once out on parole, you should go forth into the street, find your nearest umbrella shop, and detonate it. This’ll not only save your marriage, it’ll ensure the men in your community are safe and sound from the hellish, terrifying threat of… using an umbrella in the rain.

https://www.twitch.tv/videos/1958575046

My first time streaming on Twitch where I played Kind Words, which is about helping people instead of slaying them. Curious ? Please 🙏🏻 watch. Though I felt a bit like an online agony aunt, I would like to continue streaming!
#helping #agonyaunt #gaming #streaming #twitch #gamification #socialwork

I think we need an agony aunt column for readers.

I was talking to a friend about Margaret Atwood's The Handmaid's Tale when I realised I couldn't recall fairly large chunks of it - so here's my question to any future literary agony aunt:

'Should I reread Atwood's book - and could I even stand doing so, while so many politicians (& media & voters) seem to see the book not as a work of dystopian fiction but a travel guide?'

#MargaretAtwood
#Handmaid
#AgonyAunt
#DystopianFiction
#Bookstodon