Ellis C.A. Arcwolf (Author)This is weird.
It's weird because I'm feeling better, and that means that I have the spoons to ASK for something. And moreover, this is an ask that, despite my own unwillingness to validate my own needs, is WORTH asking.
THE PROBLEM
I have $15 in my bank account.
Tonight at midnight, my boyfriend performs as a DJ for the FIRST TIME EVER in front of a live audience. People tell me "don't worry; he'll DJ again," but as there is no objective moment in history where he will EVER perform again FOR THE FIRST TIME EVER, my intellect is incapable of seeing "he'll DJ again" as anything other than a platitude. Akin to telling someone their loved one died "for a reason."
Cool. Fuck whoever came up with the reason then, you know? :P
I just know for a fact that I have performed alone when I believed that I had friends. And while when your self-esteem is fine these two things facts do not, in combination destroy you, I can't imagine anyone finds it a blast to not have anyone there at your back when it'd be coolest of all to have them there.
My boyfriend is performing in Erie, PA. It is two hours away from me, and so my only way to get there (both at this point or at any other point under present conditions) is to rent a vehicle via Zipcar, which permits me to borrow a vehicle for a reasonable amount of time for only $150.
Zipcar includes gas via a paycard in the driver's visor, so there would be no additional charges there. Furthermore, since it functions more like a subscription service than a car rental service, there are no fucking surprise "$600 we-picked-up-this-one-dog-hair-for-ya" fees as with Budget, who I continue to hate despite their having refunded me that fee.
I don't have a key to get back into the place where I am staying, though, so I'd have to rent the car until at least 7–8am for approx. $170, despite the fact that I won't be driving for the final few hours of that rental period. Effectively, I would require the car from 10pm tonight, when I use it to drive to Erie, until 8am tomorrow morning, when I can re-enter the space where I am able to stay.
THE ASK
$200 would be a fucking miracle to me tonight. I could literally make tonight a dream come true, and I could have an experience with an intimate and dearly beloved partner that no one, not even me, will EVER be able to share with them again.
$160 could potentially get me there and back, and it would be the absolute minimum I'd need in my bank account to OK the trip for myself. It would be a risk, but one potentially well-worth taking.
Anything less would not make this trip any less prohibitive to someone with my ability to have any control over my own fate. But it would make my life ever so slightly easier when--the day after tomorrow--I return to my doctor's office for new meds to replace the ones I've been without for weeks.
THANK YOU
I truly don't expect to go see my boyfriend tonight. For weeks now, I've accepted the fact that I do not get to do things like these that other people take for granted. I just, finally--and just for a little bit--maybe have the spoons to beg someone to make things different tonight.
This is tonight, so GFM is bad for this:
• https://venmo.com/joanburgos
• https://cash.app/$CeruleanArc
• Chime Sign: $EllisArcwolf
The "Chime Sign" is only usable internally by folks who have a Chime bank account, but it's the fastest and most direct transfer method to my primary account.
THE FUTURE
January 6th. The license. Dear gods, I resent the fact of having been made to wait and to suffer this long for it so much, and whether or not I get the license, I cannot imagine when I will ever see the PA State Board as anything but cruel and apathetic to the plight of any REAL human being. Which is a sad thing to think about the board in charge of THERAPISTS for a state, but I can't help what I think about a board that has ONLY EVER shown me that's exactly who they are.
When Pinocchio claims to be a real boy, and his nose only grows longer and more artificially cylindrical in response, I feel like I'd be a fool if I believed him anyway. And until not that recently, I absolutely would have despite all evidence to the contrary because I have never ONCE found that my ability to be kind to others has magically and generously extended to include me.
#MutualAid #TransJoy #Zipcar #EriePA #Pittsburgh #SupportArtists #FirstGig #Venmo #CashApp #Chime #QueerJoy #LPCReciprocity #EmergencyFund #ButlerPA
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