#Vaginoplasty question

Just curious, is there such thing as dilating too long? Especially if done frequently?

I somehow doubt it, but my time blindness does make me wonder.

#Peaches geht gut ab
- #Vaginoplasty (Live on #KEXP)

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=q42HIt_Zn-c&t=227

> http://KEXP.ORG presents Peaches performing "Vaginoplasty" live in the KEXP studio. Recorded October 7, 2015.Host: El ToroAudio Engineer: Kevin SuggsCameras:...

I'm deeply attached to my trans identity, and I feel a lot of shame despite myself about so desperately wanting a vaginoplasty. There's a lot of pride in trans feminine circles around being a woman with a dick and I completely understand why it totally makes sense. Our womanhood is constantly denied from us. We are oppressed, shamed and suppressed from society. For that fact. So it makes complete sense to take pride in it. I mean, our domain is dgirl.gay because it has multiple meaning but reclaiming "dickgirls" was definitely a big part of why we chose it.

But I guess it's also something my anxiety latched on to. Because by not being so comfortable with that part of my body, by hating it as much as I do and by wanting to get rid of it, I feel like I'm betraying my community. Like I'm seeking privileged. Like I'm gonna be somehow called out and ousted from transfeminine circle because I am too much of a cis passing person.

My community is very important to me and the idea of being ousted from it is very scary to me. I'm not saying that it's gonna happen, it's just a fear that I have. And I know it's not necessarily the most rational thing. It just makes me feel like I'm going to lose part of my validity as a trans woman if I go through with this surgery.

It's that fear of ending up not being "trans enough" to be in trans circles, while knowing that I will never be cis and will never be allowed to be in these circles, even if I wanted to, which I don't.

It feels like me wanting to have a vulva and a vagina instead of a penis and a scrotum is a moral failing on my part. A betrayal of activism. Something that I know I would never hold anyone else but me to. But I'm deeply afraid of somebody else than me actually holding me to it.

#trans #transgender #transwoman #transfem #transfeminine #bottomsurgery #vaginoplasty

I have come to the conclusion that I need my vaginoplasty to be able to move on with my life. That I need to fix my body so that I can fix my mind. The constant pain and thought Invades my mind like nothing else, and is preventing me from making progress.

Now the challenge is going to convince those that are gatekeepers that this is the right course of actions. Because they will tend to say the other way around, that I need to fix my mind because before I can fix my body. But I've tried. And it always comes back to this.

#trans #transfem #transwoman #bottomsurgery #dysphoria #vaginoplasty #mentalhealth

So, I've been looking for a psychiatrist for a very long time now, which, where I am, is complicated, to say the least. With finding a psychiatrist that is also a trans ally and that is actually going to support you, it sometimes feels like you might as well be looking for fucking Bigfoot.

And the reason why I really wanna see a psychiatrist is that, first off, my brain is a complete mess, and it could use some chemical recalibration, let's say. But also, it is out of complete and utter necessity, because I need my vaginoplasty, okay? Bunny needs her pussy. Because otherwise she's gonna keep having to deal with massive dysphoria-infused anxiety attacks every other week until she can't take it anymore.

But, to do this, it seems that every fucking surgeon in this country have universally agreed that you needed the approval of a psychiatrist, even though, no, it's not protocol. however, getting a psychiatrist is already hard enough, but as I said earlier, getting one that would be willing to even accept this instead of trying to rehabilitate conversion therapy for you is almost fucking impossible.

Whatever though, I have made progress today.

As I do every month, I saw my doctor today. She helps me with my hormones, and she also helps me with antidepressants and stuff, because, well, no one else is going to. It's like every other month the topic of my search for a psychiatrist came up and she mentioned this guy that she knew. And it turns out it's a guy that's been on my radar and I've been trying to contact but doesn't take any new patient. But if she contacts him directly she may have a spot for me.

Great. Progress.

So she starts writing her letter, she mentions the whole mess that's in my brain and so on, everything is fine, but then, she starts talking about my vaginoplasty and I have to stop her and protest. Because she wrote that I would be interested in doing a vaginoplasty "in a couple of years." And I was like, "Fuck no!"

Don't give that "in a couple of years" shit. The couple of years is now! I've been on hormones for two fucking years and I've been talking about it since the day I met you. I was 13, didn't even had the words to say that I was a girl and yet, I was already thinking stuff like, "having a pussy would fix me tbh." So no more of that in a couple of years shit, I'm almost 30! We are in it now, the couple of years have passed already. I want it. I know I want it. And more than that, I need it! I'm done waiting, I don't have it in me, this is not some fucking comfort thing for me, it's life and death, you don't fucking know how badly I need this, clearly.

But the thing is, it turns out that according to her, this psychiatrist is sensitive about these things. So if I go to him and I immediately start talking about it, he's gonna feel like he's been labeled as the type of psychiatrist that is here to give letters of approbation, and God forbid we wouldn't want this man to be wounded in his ego for being what is essentially a glorified gatekeeper here.

And now it's a lose-lose situation for me, because if I see him and I tell him "Oh yeah, by the way, I desperately need and want this", he's not gonna get it to me because he's gonna feel used or whatever. But if I wait for a couple of months, not only do I lose a couple of months, which, as I'll get to later, is not nothing, but also, he's gonna be like "Well, if it was that urgent, why didn't you talk to me about it sooner? It seems to be coming out of nowhere, so surely it must just be you being obsessing about something. Surely, it's not that serious." And besides, how the fuck do I know when it's the right time? How am I supposed to gauge when his ego has been satiated? How do I make sure he's not gonna feel manipulated or whatever in the end? Not to mention that avoiding this specific subject for me is kind of like avoiding the fucking elephant in the room when it comes to my mental health, which is kind of fucking difficult to do, WHEN I'M TALKING TO MY MENTAL HEALTH PROFESSIONAL!

Why is it that every time I go see a mental health professional or someone like that, I am the one that ends up having to work around their feelings! Why is it that it always ends up with me trying to baby them and tiptoeing around them so that I can get the treatment that I need! I'm going there to get help but I spend more time worrying about how I ask it then I do getting help. They should be fucking paying me at this point!

When I saw my doctors, she told me that it would need two years of hormones and so on. I could totally understand her reticence, she didn't know me after all. And honestly, I was open to see if HRT alone would help. But the thing is, I've been told "in a couple years" already. And now, I'm gonna have to go through this shit again with someone else? Because he doesn't know me and he must make sure that I'm sure that I am actually desperate?! When does it fucking end, then?! Because the thing is, the waitlists are years long already! I have some that are much shorter than others but they will keep expanding the further I wait and I can't even get on the fucking waitlist until the psychiatrist makes his letter of approbation! So even just waiting a couple of months could cost turn one more year of wait time in multiple. At this point, what the fuck is preventing the surgeon to tell me to come back in a couple years to make sure that I haven't changed my mind, too?!

"You're focusing on the negative!"

YES I FUCKING AM! Give me a fucking break! I'm sick of every fucking piece of slightly good news coming with caveats and footnotes! I think about this surgery every fucking day, it's all I can think about! I'm miserable in my body because of this thing in between my legs and instead of helping me, I have to lie and manipulate my way to victory because the people in charge ARE SCARED OF BEING LIED TO AND MANIPULATED! Because that's simply the current standard for trans people to access to health care!

I feel hopelessly alone, like this system is testing my resilience and hoping that I will give up or do their fucked up society a service and end things for good. Why is no one is willing to listen to me and what I need, why is it always up to me to be patient and strong. I feel like nobody is taking me seriously when I talk about how fucking desperate I am for this surgery. I say that the only thing that's preventing me from doing self-harm there is that I don't want to ruin my chance to have a sucessful surgery and no one bats a fucking eye at that, and if anything, it leads to people thinking I might be too unstable to get such a life changing surgery.

Yes, I'm a miserable depressed anxious traumatized fragile little creature, and that needs to be taken care of, I get it and we're working on it, I've gone through more antidepressants than I can remember at this point. I've been going to therapy for years. I'm working on this. But none of that is improved by the fact that I'm also a girl stuck in this rancid body that isn't her! If I was cis and I had a malformation there, it would've been taken care of already! Somebody fucking do something! Begging makes me sound desperate and that scares people off, with-holding information makes me manipulative! I AM DESPERATE! What the fuck do you want from me! Have some fucking empathy you fucks!

Every step forward feels like a sidestep. Like things are morphing without ever changing, the scene outside the window is different yet we haven't moved one fucking centimeter. I wanted my surgery before I'm thirty. If I get it before I'm forty it'll be a miracle but I don't plan on still being there by then with this thing still attached to me. I can't fucking do it.

Fuck psychiatry. The entire thing. These people practically invented transphobia, this entire field has always made things considerably worse before making things better. It can rot. I'm gonna buy a fucking DSM just so I can burn it for catharsis at this point.

#trans #transgender #transwoman #transfem #vaginoplasty #psychiatry #psychiatrist #bottomsurgery

Hey folks

Been trying and failing to write this post for a few days now.

Mood, health, energy, time, chores, obligations, and responsibilities kept getting in the way.

So, we're gonna summarise everything as much as we can, and try and limit our emotional response to it.

Important context

• We have been trying to get meaningful gender-affirming healthcare through the NHS since April 2021.
• We had tried to get clear information on surgery options, particularly genital reconfiguration surgery (GRS) options, for years, but never got clear options: only vague wording.
• We were almost certain sure that no form of penile-preserving vaginoplasty would be available, so we narrowed our choices to peritoneal pull-through (PPT) vaginoplasty or a bilateral orchidectomy.
  • We didn't and don't want penile inversion vaginoplasty (PIV) or vulvoplasty (aka zero-depth vaginoplasty).
• We finally passed all hurdles through an NHS pilot scheme (East Of England Gender Service; EOEGS) in late 2024.
  • This is under the Nottingham Centre for Transgender Health (NCTH).
• Our surgery referral was only sent over to a private hospital by the NHS Gender Dysphoria National Referral Support Service (GDNRSS) in late 2025.
• We had an initial assessment meeting with that private hospital this week.

Information from meeting

• The NHS will not fund PPT vaginoplasty unless there's medically no other option (i.e., last resort).
  • Basically only if you've got "inadequate donor site skin" for other methods.
• Despite offering PPT privately, the hospital considers PIV the "gold standard", and was heavily biased against PPT, advising that PPT:
  • "is not self-lubricating";
  • has "more granulation tissue" and "more complications associated with it";
  • typically has a "worse surgical outcome";
  • "turns into skin" in the long run;
  • is more likely to "stenose" and "scar".
• No form of penile-preserving vaginoplasty is available (as we thought).
• The NHS will not fund the hospital to do standalone bilateral orchidectomies for any referrals sent to them via GDNRSS.
• The specific (and only surgeon) we had asked to be referred to did not pick up our referral.
  • Worse, a surgeon we absolutely do not want to go anywhere near picked up our case!!!
• We discovered that NHS gender clinics sit in on their Multi-Disciplinary Team (MDT) meetings to discuss patients' surgery requests!!!

Outcomes for us

After considering options and offers, we resignedly sent an email to the private hospital, requesting that they refer us back to GDNRSS, advising that:

• The GRS options were explained to us, but we did not find them suitable.
• The surgeon who offered to take our case was not suitable.
• We wish to discuss next steps with the GDNRSS.

Sadly, an individual funding request (IFR) will almost-certainly be required, but the gender clinic has previously refused to submit any IFRs for us, so we're kinda very likely to be screwed here.

For anybody not aware, IFRs get submitted to your local integrated care board / system (ICB/ICS) in England. They'll only agree to fund something if:

• There are "exceptional clinical circumstances" to support the request.
• The IFR clearly demonstrates "clinical exceptionality".

Although technically an NHS GP can submit an IFR, unless it comes from the NHS gender clinic with a detailed explanation of why they can't / won't fund the surgery and why it's necessary, the local ICB funding team will just reject the request.

This is sadly a major issue for us, as we've raised multiple complaints against our gender clinic for their awful service (or rather lack thereof) and they've stopped responding to any of our emails now, so there's little to no chance of them even agreeing to submit an IFR for us, let alone doing one with a decent chance of being accepted.

We don't know what the current price is for a bilateral orchidectomy, but it was up to about £6k a year or two back, so it's probably more like £7K to £8K now 

In other words, nothing we could afford privately any time in the next decade.

So... yeah 🙃

If you wondered why our posts have been a little bit more bleak the last few days, this is among the reasons 😅 (There are sadly many other things contributing too.)

It's our own fault really for even trying to go through the NHS route and thinking that maybe, just maybe, they wouldn't continually fuck us around.

Anyway, that's the toot.

#NHS #NHSEngland #EOEGS #NCTH #trans #transgender #NonBinary #enby #FemEnby #GRS #GAS #vaginoplasty #orchidectomy #GenderAffirmingHealthcare #IFR #ICB #ICS #FuckTheNHS #FuckTheUK #DesegregateTransHealthcare #TransRights #TransRightsAreHumanRights #LGBTQ+ #LGBTQIA+

i can't get this fucking surgery. i don't want to die with this thing in between my legs for fucks sake, i'm doing everything right but no one is letting me have it.

i keep trying but i can't. every time, it's either "oh, there is a waitlist of 8 fucking years" or (most often both), "you need to have approval from a psychiatrist" and i can't see a fucking psyciatrist because none of them will see me! no one is seeing any new patients where i am. the two that i managed to see i can't see anymore.

one was a raging transphobe who spent the first half hour of our one hour session telling me why he misgendered me, how and why i look like a man and therefore why he won't gender me correctly, before telling me that he wouldn't help me with my diagnosis of autism because "i don't need it for anything" and ending the session by commenting on my old masc photo and my deadname and how he preferred me before from my id... and the second one was fucking amazing but he retired just two months after i started seeing him.

because it's not just finding a psychiatrist, no, it's finding one that isn't a piece of shit, which for psychiatrists can be quite the challenge, and that it isn't a massive transphobe, which is even more challenging as psychiatry practically invented transphobia because psychiatry is just the fucking worse. so i need to find someone, which is already a massive challenge, but i also need to find someone that is going to understand that: "*oh, this bitch is really depressed and unstable... going through this massive surgery is something she actually needs to get better" instead of going: "well, you're too mentally fucked to go through this right now"

i feel so fucking abandonned by this damn system. this country only gives a shit about me when it wants to fuck over my rights.

there is a public system in place for seeing psychiatrists and i went to them, telling them that i was desperate because it's not just my surgery, my brain is a mess and i need better treatment than just improvising shit with my doctor and seeing what sticks... nothing. they had litterally nothing to give me.

i'm gonna end up going to fucking paris to see a psychiatrist. i think it's the only way at this point. every time i'm going to need and see my psychiatrist, if we can't do it over video, i'm gonna have to take a fucking train across the country to get a psychiatrist. i can't think of any other way at this point. and i don't have nearly close to the money i would need to do that but i'm going to have to either way because i won't make it without this surgery.

#trans #transfem #france #vaginoplasty

I guess there is no point procrastinating this any further, I need to start looking for doctors abroad for #vaginoplasty, specifically one that can do Peritoneal Pull-Through (preferably laparoscopic), and preferably in Europe.
Things will never feel right for me until I do that surgery, also I'll finally be able to update my legal gender here after I do it.

Any recommendations to kickstart my search is welcome, and any information about the process of getting a medical visa would be priceless ✨ (context: I have an Egyptian passport, I can't just show up at any airport and get a visa on arrival)

Hi fedi! Anyone have a good “the diversity of vulvas” spread of pictures? I think I want to be quite specific with my surgeon about what I want.

Thanks!

Edit: This wound up being pretty useful, I just scrolled across taking screenshots and circling the ones that felt like I’d find them affirming. https://www.thegreatwallofvulva.com/virtual-visit/

#boost #trans #TransFemme #vaginoplasty

For those who are post bottom #surgery, what are everyone's thoughts on taking the train home at 5-6 weeks?

Like, I have to go to Denver either by air or train. Cost would be about the same when you compare first class airfare for myself and caregiver vs. a bedroom. Kinda feels like basically a question of a relatively short flight that might be kinda painful vs. a longer ride home but I could lay down and keep up with dilation. Has anyone done a long distance train ride after #vaginoplasty?

#trans #transition #transgender