I'm deeply attached to my trans identity, and I feel a lot of shame despite myself about so desperately wanting a vaginoplasty. There's a lot of pride in trans feminine circles around being a woman with a dick and I completely understand why it totally makes sense. Our womanhood is constantly denied from us. We are oppressed, shamed and suppressed from society. For that fact. So it makes complete sense to take pride in it. I mean, our domain is dgirl.gay because it has multiple meaning but reclaiming "dickgirls" was definitely a big part of why we chose it.
But I guess it's also something my anxiety latched on to. Because by not being so comfortable with that part of my body, by hating it as much as I do and by wanting to get rid of it, I feel like I'm betraying my community. Like I'm seeking privileged. Like I'm gonna be somehow called out and ousted from transfeminine circle because I am too much of a cis passing person.
My community is very important to me and the idea of being ousted from it is very scary to me. I'm not saying that it's gonna happen, it's just a fear that I have. And I know it's not necessarily the most rational thing. It just makes me feel like I'm going to lose part of my validity as a trans woman if I go through with this surgery.
It's that fear of ending up not being "trans enough" to be in trans circles, while knowing that I will never be cis and will never be allowed to be in these circles, even if I wanted to, which I don't.
It feels like me wanting to have a vulva and a vagina instead of a penis and a scrotum is a moral failing on my part. A betrayal of activism. Something that I know I would never hold anyone else but me to. But I'm deeply afraid of somebody else than me actually holding me to it.
#trans #transgender #transwoman #transfem #transfeminine #bottomsurgery #vaginoplasty
wendythedruid
Jason Beets
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Ramaya_B π³οΈββ§οΈ
