Kid at home: *wakes up at 5am and makes it everyone's problem*
Kid at Grandma's: *wakes up at 8:30am and tells us to be quiet because she still needs sleep*
Honestly, what is this?
+10 Toddler Handling?
Power Word?
Cone of Sleep?
Cookies of Extreme Chill?
Ray of Insult to Injury?
Spell: Sleep
Target: Toddler class Small creatures
Range: 2 feet (if you move out of range you have to start the casting over)
Casting time: 30 to 120 minutes
Verbal components: Monotone rythmic lullaby
Somatic components: Pat PAT pat (NOT pat pat PAT)
Material components: Favorite Pillow, The Other Pillow, Not That Blanket, Non-Itchy Pajamas, 30+ plush toys, 3 glasses of water, and the rest of your sanity
Duration: a few hours if you're lucky
Fighter:
- I hope to die in battle so I can go to Valhalla!
Cleric:
- That's okay, we haven't exited Combat since the Toddler joined the party.
Kiddo keeps kicking off the blankets.
Me: Please stop kicking off the blankets and go to sleep.
Kid: What?
Me: Please stop kicking off the blankets, and go to sleep.
Kid: What?
Me: Please go to sleep.
Kid: WHAT??
Me *enunciating*: Please. Go. To sleep.
Kid: Mom I can't sleep if you are yelling!
Me: ....
Kid: Also I kicked off the blankets.
Rolling Wisdom save.
I am constantly feeling like parents have to take daily Alignment checks during Autumn Snot Season. Checks are administered by daycare/school staff.
I'm gonna need an alignment chart for this 😄
PG: The Parents' Guild
A secret guild of former assassins that became parents and now they specialize in high-risk, targeted quests such as:
- Causing an accident-like injury to the client, nothing permanent, but enough to land them in the hospital for a few restful days
- Silencing noise-making gift toys for good, and making it look like an accident
- Removing questionable gifts before they are unwrapped and replacing them with required items without a trace
Everyday time units:
One round = 6 seconds
Long rest = 8 hours
Weekend time units:
One round = 6 hours
Long rest = 8 seconds
Conversation of Opportunity
While Toddler is out of range party members have exactly 1 Round for a CoO action.
CoO is 2x the speed of normal speech and has a chance to cover 1 of the following topics:
- "So, how have you been?"
- "How's that health thing you mentioned three days ago?"
- "I talked to the kid's teachers, here is the info about next week"
- "So I watched this really cool movie while you were asleep"
- INFO DUMP about new interest acquired 2 weeks ago
Wild Magic random table for when you just put the kid down for a nap
1. Postman rings doorbell
2. Dog throws up
3. Someone calls on the phone you forgot to silence for once in your life
4. Stack of dishes crumbles
5. Neighbors decide to blast some tunes
6. Neighbors start renovations
7. Delivery guy calls because they can't find your door
8. Temu ad blares on the phone you forgot to silence for once in your life
9. Draft slams window
10. Power outage kicks in the alarm
"You have to let your kids get bored! Boredom breeds creativity!"
Roll a D10 for every 30 minutes the Toddler has the Bored condition.
With each roll, the Toddler gains one of the following spells for free:
1. Color Spray
2. Knock
3. Spider Climb
4. Create or Destroy Water
5. Shatter
6. Vicious Mockery
7. Chaos Bolt
8. Nondetection
9. Storm of Vengeance
10. Psychic Scream
Dr. Zalka Csenge Virág