eurekaNerds Furious As Jock Turns Out To Be Better Than Them At The Nerdy Shit
wilfredThis got me.
"JERUSALEM—In an effort to soften the blow for a human race eagerly awaiting His glorious arrival, Jesus Christ, the Son of God, clarified Monday that His return would be strictly limited to His carpentry business. “While I will soon appear once more upon the earthly realm, My sole focus during this Second Coming will be various woodworking projects and not the establishment of a messianic kingdom,” said Christ, the Light of the World, adding that He was looking forward to finishing the walnut kitchen island He had set aside for His martyrdom two millennia ago."
https://theonion.com/jesus-clarifies-return-will-be-strictly-limited-to-carpentry-business/
Jesus Clarifies Return Will Be Strictly Limited To Carpentry Business
JERUSALEM—In an effort to soften the blow for a human race eagerly awaiting His glorious arrival, Jesus Christ, the Son of God, clarified Monday that His return would be strictly limited to His carpentry business. “While I will soon appear once more upon the earthly realm, My sole focus during this Second Coming will be […]
The OnionTiger Woods’ Liver Photographed Crawling Out Of Golfer After Crash
JUPITER ISLAND, FL—Dazed and battered as it dragged itself to safety, the liver belonging to Tiger Woods was photographed crawling out of the legendary golfer’s body Friday following a severe car crash. Moments after Woods clipped the back of a trailer and rolled his Land Rover, the reddish-brown organ reportedly emerged from the a…
#theonion
https://theonion.com/tiger-woods-liver-photographed-crawling-out-of-golfer-after-crash/
#TuckFrumpDark times call for reckless purchases. #TheOnion https://twp.ai/E6H65d
Pros And Cons Of Ending Birthright Citizenship #TheOnion https://twp.ai/E6H73w
Rusty TSA Agent Sticks Hand Into Wrong Cavity
The post Rusty TSA Agent Sticks Hand Into Wrong Cavity appeared first on The Onion.
#theonion
https://theonion.com/rusty-tsa-agent-sticks-hand-into-wrong-cavity/
As he struggled to remember how his remarks on sending more troops to the Middle East had digressed… #TheOnion https://twp.ai/E6H6gE
The March 2026 front page of The Onion newspaper. Never miss out again and become a member here. #TheOnion https://twp.ai/E6H6eP
