My friend gave me a "glimpse" of myself from that White Flask party 19 years ago. I was 29 then. I hadn't transitioned. I had barely figured out that I was a feminist, though I was solid about being bisexual and very free sexually.
I'd been trying to figure out how to be close friends with women for about 2 years. And was very confused by why so many gay men always wanted to sleep with me, and why lesbians weren't very into 2nd dates with me. I was so unaware, for such a self aware person?
When that party happened, I had just barely moved into that home after the most devastating breakup that wasn't my marriage - still, to this day I mourn that broken connection in my life, and miss the best friend and lover and mirror to my soul that I lost in Dax. I was so lost, but also so determined to find footing again.
I didn't know things about myself like that I'm ADHD, autistic, creative, meant to write. I certainly didn't admit to only having a 6th grade formal education to myself, much less anyone else. I was so fixated on not understanding jealousy, that I didn't realize I also didn't grok the feelings wheel.
I had only begun to fight to be able to be exactly who I know myself to be at all times. But I was fighting. And I was finding out who I was. I had already conquered the JW trauma by converting to Catholicism, and then realizing I was an atheist about the time I got baptized.
Tonight, my friend reflected to me that he saw how lost I was when he met me back then, a 29 year old wanna-be woman named Misty. I would love to remember the conversations he and I had. I bet with a couple of drinks in me, I was the deepest version of myself, curious about the world, but probably looking to prove I knew everything already.
Maybe he and I might be able to get stoned some time, and have new conversations.
Honestly, I have no idea. I'm unsure if those types of memories might get clearer, like some others have when I revisit the memory in meditation and writing, or when I was talking with my cuz about childhood stuff. This is all so new to me. I am so used to not having most of the memories that I wish I did.
I am going to admit something that makes me feel all tingly and I guess vulnerable to say.
I used to spend a lot of time wondering if my #aphantasia was always there or not. I am fairly confident that as a kid, I had zero mental imagery, just like now. But even so, I sometimes have hoped that I'm wrong, and that somehow my mind's eye will open. It sounds magical to me!
Since last month - when I gained my inner peace after therapy (& a tattoo & spiritual experience, all the same day) when I was writing - I've really started to wonder if I will be able to connect with some missing part of myself, and maybe not just open my mind's eye, but also if my tinnitus is from the cognitive stuff, I believe I might find relief.
Maybe this is something like one of my inner voices, or what some call inner critic, but it's manifesting differently than for most others? I dunno, but I will be pursuing the idea, to try and find out.
My next in person visit will be EMDR, where I hope to regain some specific memories from earlier in my 20s. I think this will teach me how to revisit my own memories in a deliberate manner on my own - now that I understand how to always feel safe inside my skull, and the chatter can't overwhelm me like it used to.
If I do have any ability to regain visual imagery, it means 2 things.
1. Trauma blocking. I was protecting myself all this time. This will be learning to raise and lower my inner defenses at will, just for my mind's visuals instead of for my feelings. I have a special skill that has protected me, when I have dissociated from trauma in the past.
Now that I'm remembering so many things constantly, I see how to use distancing myself without disconnecting from myself as a tool instead of an involuntary response. I hope this might be similar to that?
2. I will be able to picture my Daddy (hero, parent, dad, friend, cheerleader, example of what love means) anytime I want.
And both of those things sound like Magic to me - the kind that I have inside of me. I, my Divine self, me. 🪄
🍄✌️🌈🦄♾️
#TDA
https://fuckaas.space/@Lucaas/115914868109182964