The “Reformed” Chaos
Hey everyone, it’s Tina.
I saw a meme the other day that personally attacked me in the best way possible. It said: “Not being crazy anymore is funny asf cause I still get all the same thoughts I just have self control now.”
I have never felt more seen, more heard, and more slightly judged by an internet graphic in my entire life.
If you’ve known me for a while, you know “Old Tina.” Old Tina didn’t have a “filter.” She had a megaphone and a complete lack of impulse control. If I felt a feeling, the whole world felt it with me. If I thought for a split second that someone was giving me side-eye, I wasn’t just going to wonder why—I was going to build a full forensic case, present it at 2:00 AM, and probably send a 7-paragraph text that started with “It’s just funny how…” (Narrator: It was, in fact, not funny.)
Choosing Peace: The Reality of Personal Growth
But lately? I’ve been “chill.” I’ve been “level-headed.” I’ve been the person who breathes deeply and “chooses peace.”
But here is the secret that nobody tells you about personal growth: The “crazy” doesn’t actually leave your brain. It just gets a better security system.
People look at me now and think I’ve reached some sort of Zen-like enlightenment. They see me at brunch when someone makes a backhanded comment, and they see me just sip my mimosa and smile.
What People See vs. What’s Happening Inside
- What they see: A mature, evolved woman who is above petty drama.
- What’s actually happening: Inside my head, I am currently flipping a table, hiring a private investigator, and composing a poetic insult that would make a Victorian ghost weep.
The difference is that now, there’s a tiny, responsible version of me standing at a control panel in my brain. She’s exhausted, she’s holding a cup of coffee, and she’s screaming, “DO NOT PRESS THE SEND BUTTON, TINA. WE ARE NOT DOING THIS TODAY.”
The Power of the Deep Breath Strategy
It is honestly hilarious to sit there in total silence while your brain is doing backflips and screaming like a tea kettle. It’s like being the undercover agent of your own life. We’ve all been told to “just take a breath” when we’re frustrated.
When I was younger, if you told me to breathe, I’d probably stop breathing out of spite. Now? I take that breath. But let’s be real—that breath isn’t just for oxygen. It’s a containment strategy. It’s the five seconds I need to talk myself out of saying the thing that will require a three-day apology tour later.
I’ll be in a meeting, or talking to an ex, or dealing with a customer service rep who clearly woke up and chose violence, and I’ll just… breathe. Everyone thinks I’m being “thoughtful.” I’m actually just waiting for the “Old Tina” urge to throw a stapler to pass.
Finding Power in “I Could, But I Won’t”
There is a weird kind of power in having “The Thoughts” but not acting on them. It’s like having a secret identity.
I’ll walk through the grocery store, and someone will cut me in line with fifteen items in the “10 or Less” lane. The old me would have started a town hall meeting right there in Aisle 4. The new me? I just look at them, feel the familiar fire of a thousand suns rise up in my chest, and then… I just let it sit there.
I’ll think, “Wow, I could really ruin this person’s afternoon. I have the vocabulary for it. I have the spirit for it. But… I think I’ll just go home and eat my pasta instead.” It’s the ultimate “I could, but I won’t.” It makes me feel like a superhero whose only power is not being a public nuisance.
To the Silent Warriors
If you’re reading this and you’re in the same boat—congratulations. We are the silent warriors.
Don’t feel bad that you still have the “crazy” thoughts. Having the thought doesn’t make you a mess; it just makes you human. It’s the self-control that makes you a legend.
The thoughts are always going to be there. They’re like that one eccentric aunt who shows up to every family reunion uninvited. You can’t stop her from coming, but you can stop her from grabbing the microphone during the toasts.
So, here’s to us. To the girls who still want to key the car, send the text, and start the fire—but choose to buy a candle and go to bed early instead. We’re doing great, sweetie.
Stay “sane” (mostly),
Tina
#choosingPeace #DealingWithDrama #EmotionalMaturity #GrowthMindset #HealthyBoundaries #ImpulseControl #LifeAt33 #MentalHealthBlog #personalGrowth #SelfControl #storiesFromTina
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