Justice Department Finally Shares Epstein Files, Congress Still Shocked and Confused
#EpsteinFiles #CongressCuriosity #DOJDrama #MysteryUnveiled #SatireNews By: TheJestPress.com **DOJ to Send Epstein Files to Congress, Lawmakers Prepare for World’s Longest Redacted Reading Session** After years of speculation and conspiracy theories ranging from “it was the Illuminati” to “it was my neighbor Gary,” the Justice Department has finally announced plans to share files from…
Netanyahu Threatens Lawsuit Over Gaza Photo, Times Now Fear Walking Dead Status
#Netanyahu #NYTSued #GazaPhoto #SatireNews #LegalDrama By: TheJestPress.com In a bold move that combines international diplomacy with the irresistible urge to file lawsuits, Israeli Prime Minister Benjamin Netanyahu announced today that Israel is "exploring legal action" against The New York Times over what he calls a "scandalously misleading, possibly Photoshopped, definitely unflattering"…
German Athletes Bulk Up Ego, Not Muscle, Thanks to Social Media Madness
#MuscleMadness #InstaGainsGoneWrong #FlexFluencers #WurstAbs #SatireNews By: TheJestPress.com Intensive Social Media Exposure Turns Young German Athletes Into Full-Time Flexaholics MUNICH – A groundbreaking* new study from the University of Abs-solutely Shredded has revealed that young German athletes exposed to intensive social media are now running higher risks of muscle dysmorphia—otherwise…
Ghislaine Maxwell Denied Service Dog Lessons, Canine Camp Too Elite
#GhislaineMaxwell #PrisonProblems #DogGoneIt #SatireNews #TheJestPress By: TheJestPress.com Scandal hit the pooch world at Alderson ‘Camp Cupcake’ Correctional Facility this Tuesday, after infamous socialite Ghislaine Maxwell was “uninvited” from the prison’s much-coveted Service Dog Training Program. Sources say it’s the first time in U.S. penal history that someone was deemed a “bad influence” on the…
Cockatoos Out-Dance Humans, Proving Birds Have Better Rhythm Than You
#DancingBirds #FeatheredFunk #AvianGroove #BirdsWithMoves #SatireNews By: TheJestPress.com **Cockatoos That Feel the Beat Now Out-Dancing Most Humans, Study Finds** In a discovery that’s ruffling both scientific feathers and dance floors nationwide, researchers have published a study revealing that cockatoos can perform 30 distinct dance moves—and that they’re doing it with more enthusiasm than your…
Trump and Putin Plan Surprise Meeting to Settle Ukraine Over Coffee
#TrumpPutin #UkraineCeasefire #Diplomacy2024 #SatireNews #WorldLeadersUnite By: TheJestPress.com **Trump and Putin Might Meet to ‘Solve’ Ukraine War; Experts Recommend Extra Napkins at Summit** In a surprising twist that has international relations experts frantically updating their bingo cards, a White House official has confirmed that Donald Trump could meet Vladimir Putin as early as next week,…
Lebanon Urges Army to Play Whac-A-Mole with Hezbollah by Year’s End
#Lebanon #Hezbollah #SatireNews #ArmyPlans #MiddleEastHumor By: TheJestPress.com **Lebanon Tells Army to Prepare Plan to Disarm Hezbollah; Army Responds by Googling “How to Disarm Hezbollah”** In what experts are calling “remarkably ambitious” and “almost as bold as my uncle’s 2023 New Year’s resolution to actually use his gym membership,” the Lebanese government has officially instructed its army to…
Oklahoma Speaker Blames TV for Mysterious Explosion of Explicit Walters Images
#OklahomaHouse #TVAccident #WhoopsieDaisy #PoliticalOops #SatireNews By: TheJestPress.com In a shocking turn of events this week, Oklahoma House Speaker Charles “GuessWhatNow?” McDaniels assured reporters that the explicit images which abruptly flashed across Superintendent Ryan Walters’ television set during a live education policy Zoom call were merely the result of a “bizarre accident."…
RFK Jr. Single-Handedly Drains $500M Vaccine Fund, Claims Plot Thickens
#RFKJr #VaccineDrama #FundingFrenzy #SatireNews #TheJestPress By: TheJestPress.com **RFK Jr. Pulls $500 Million in Funding for Vaccine Development, Sends Researchers a "Get Well Soon" Card Instead** In an unexpected twist that left the medical community both underfunded and scratching their bandaged heads, independent presidential candidate Robert F. Kennedy Jr. has reportedly withdrawn $500…
US Practices Jail Escape 101: Helping Bolsonaro Dodge Coup Drama
#BolsonaroBlues #CoupOrNoCoup #USDiplomacy101 #HideAndSeek #SatireNews By: TheJestPress.com In a move even Houdini would call “ambitious,” U.S. officials have reportedly “stepped up efforts” to help former Brazilian president Jair Bolsonaro avoid jail time regarding his alleged coup plot. After hearing Brazilian authorities might arrest him, the U.S. State Department jumped into action—which, in this…
TheJestPress
