Yay I got to do billed work today!
Feels so much better.
Still way too much unpaid work to do regarding my move and living situation, feeling very fatigued, would like a week off from all of it, but got to keep going.
Billed work and/or writing on my own projects is often an even exchange of energy. I feel actively bad when I'm not doing it. Yes, it exhausts me, but supplies me with a different type of energy that is also necessary.
Cat Midnight is still struggling to adjust. I think she's doing better today? It's way too many new things for her. She's been perpetually mad at me. I'm open to advice for how to calm my cat but also give her the stimulation she craves. Eventually she can go outside, but still not safe without a harness bc there are other cats she's afeared of and many places for her to get lost. She hates the harness and has trouble understanding that's what she needs to go outside, and she whines for many hours about being cooped up. Might be on the way to being solved, but if you have ideas of how to communicate that she can trust me and all this misery is better than if I'd left her and I'm doing my best to help her, I'm open.
2/2
Big day of QoL upgrades for life in the RV, which I have named "Peggleg J" after a joke I made on here a couple days ago but also she's got a literal peg leg from a (hopefully) temp fix after I broke the slide support.
We're at 30amps now, so can use electric heat to supplement propane. We were going through it kinda fast! This upgrade required I break the picket line, but to be fair, I didn't know the strike was on until an hour after I placed the order.
Didn't finish insulating the underbelly, but started! Wasn't planning to finish today anyhow. There is slightly less air blowing away the heat under there.
Dehumidifier finally arrived, so possibly one source of "where did this water come from?" will be solved. And we can literally breathe easier, or at least, heavier.
Kinda sealed the area on the slide where there's a leak under certain conditions. The whole slide issue is still an issue but "Where did that water come from?" is of course the worst concern.
1/
This song was a very bright part of a very dark time for me.
Buncha synchronicities tonight.
Shifts and movement.
Unlearning helplessness.
As badly as my abuser screwed me up, it's hard to regret having met him. One of the things I probably wouldn't have done on my own was DEFCON. I'd always wanted to go but didn't because of imposter syndrome. He showed me what was possible.
There are reasons I was with him through such hells for so long.
I had the big talk with my mom. It went well. She was receptive. I'm guarded still, but I think I've got a month or two of peace to get rested, and maybe a system in place and better support from at least one of my siblings, to get through another span. Assuming the election aftermath lets me rest.
I'm stable, tired, and super worried that after the adrenal crash I'll lose functionality.
If that doesn't happen, and the world is still here after the election, I'm feeling good about getting back on track and having some kind of future eventually. I've learned a lot of lessons and now have a better relationship with two family members. (And maybe with mom too, but I don't trust it.)
Ten year anniversary of that is coming up next year.
You know what packing up today reminds me of? That particular kind of fog where you don't know how you're going to do it, but you gotta get out of there, and the backpack gets filled and you're driving...
Not as intense, but it reminds me of when 3 days after I broke up with my abuser I decided to go to the hospital.
I've noticed this last week or two I haven't been turning my anger inward which is what I usually do.
I've barely had the urge to self-harm. Nothing but echoes of how it usually is during peak episodes like this. Unlike the last peak episode for sure.
But I left my watch charger at home, so sometime tomorrow it will stop tracking my stress. That would have been interesting to see.
Mx. Luna Corbden 🐸