This morning’s ablutions: the day being overcast and gloomy, I needed the light on for the first time in about a week. As I turned it on, I was struck by a feeling of sadness, of limit; the artificial light emphasising its own failure to be a sun, and reminding me of shorter duller days. The possibility, the freshness of summer morning sun, all gone.

Never found it so palpable before. I know it’s all associative mood memory, but I really felt it this morning, standing in the bathroom.

#MorningThoughts

Getting older as an adult can mean gaining the ability to learn more and more contemporaneous slang, then using it years or even decades after it stopped being current, often intentionally for the effect it'll have on folx younger than you 🤭

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#MorningThoughts

I’m thinking a lot about the “firehose” this morning: my compulsion to find sources of stimulation. I can’t speak for all #adhd / #AuDHD folks, of course, but for me, “running out of internet” can be a very real annoyance. Hitting the top of all the feeds I browse, then feeling the discomfort of _boredom_, where the minutes drag on like days.

But the opposite, an unending firehose, leads to tunnelvision and hyperfocus. Responsibilities start getting neglected. I detach from other people. I get irritable if I’m interrupted.

Since work often involves periods of boredom, I alleviate this by doing relatively mundane Minecraft stuff on my modded home server in the background: enough to stimulate me a _bit_, but not enough to get sucked in, so I can switch back to work quickly.

None of it is really fulfilling, but it gets me through the day while staying reasonably productive.

#morningthoughts

Life is the fight against entropy.

It doesn’t matter that entropy will win in the end. What’s important is that we keep pushing it back, while we are here.

#morningthoughts

So we cleaned and packed up our office last Friday in preparation for moving to a new coworking space much closer to downtown. I am very excited about this, as it’ll make my commute much nicer when I do go in.

Anyways, a bunch of our monitors are going to be donated or e-wasted, and coworkers are like “those monitors are crap anyway”. And I’m like, they’re fairly large 1920x1080 monitors; not exactly high-end, but hardly crap. I scour thrift stores to find monitors far worse than that.

But sadly, I could not take any for myself. My commute to the office involves taking the train followed by the L; I’d’ve had to go home and then drive my Scion into the city to load up.

(What really irks me, though, is they were also disposing of some cheap but nice adjustable desks. I really could’ve used one of those!)

#morningthoughts #ewaste

Existential anxiety rating is at 57 %

What Is Absurdism?
https://benargon.com/absurdism-explained/

#morningthoughts

Turned my alarm off this morning.
That was a mistake, as when I woke up it was 9:45.

I used to love sleeping in when I was younger. These days I think “I have wasted the very limited number of hours in my life that are *mine* to use as I please”.

And I mean, using them to sleep is perfectly valid. But I didn’t need to sleep ten hours. I think that happened because my ADHD brain, for lack of a better description, “hyperfocuses on sleep”. It gets locked into sleep just as it would anything else that feels good and requires effort to switch away from.

I have to try to accept these feelings without judgement, while also not succumbing to self-blame and anger for sleeping in. (Honestly, avoiding getting mad at my ADHD is something I work on *constantly*, because the anger just exacerbates things and increases my propensity to withdraw and hide from my responsibilities.)

#morningthoughts