Cold Slither – Cold Slither Review
By Tyme
More inclined toward Thundarr the Barbarian or He-Man and the Masters of the Universe, a much younger Tyme was still no stranger to the wily cartoon exploits of G.I. Joe: A Real American Hero. So, my nerdy interest piqued when I saw Cold Slither writhe up from the sump pit. It seems the inimitable toy makers at Hasbro had teamed up with the folks at Reigning Phoenix Music to bring guitarist/vocalist Zartan (Gus Rios: Gruesome) and his ruthless band of Dreadnok’s—featuring Ripper on guitar (Matt Harvey: Gruesome, Exhumed), Torch on bass (Ross Sewage: Exhumed, Impaled), and Buzzer on drums (Andy Selway: KMFDM)—to life. For those unfamiliar, the episode, which first aired in December 1985, found Cobra cohorts Destro and the Baroness plotting a subliminal message scheme intended to brainwash society using music created for a fake heavy metal band, Cold Slither, and restore Cobra Commander to prominence, furthering his goal of world domination. Conceptually speaking, I think this is pretty damn cool, but my job is to let you know if Cold Slither is worthy of your time, or if this particular snake would make a better pair of boots.
Cold Slither play souped-up dad metal that mainly taps a vein of ’80s / ’90s arena and alt-rock tropes. Driving riffs, pounding drums, and shred(ish) solos dominate most of the musical landscape, full of ear-wormy hooks and anthemic bravado. Themed lyrics are expectedly juvenile, and whether you want them to or not, choruses are abhorrently catchy, (“Zartan’s Revenge,” “These Fluffies Are Fatal”), sticking to your brain like taxicab floor chewing gum. After a brief address by Cobra Commander himself, the album launches with a revised, more metallic version of the song that started it all 40 years ago, “Cold Slither.” Still corny as hell, the re-imagined track at least comes across heavier than the synth-laden original. After that, nine tracks of new Cold Slither material drawing influence mostly from the original episode and sounding like second-tier ’80s metal peddled by the likes of Black ‘n Blue, Keel, and others back in the day, albeit here slightly more aggressive. This Cold Slither reps basic, family-friendly metal designed to sell action figures and comic books, bringing those G.I. Joe die-hards to the comic-con yard in clouds of nostalgia instead of weed, to rock out with the kids.
Mostly uninspiring, there were a few moments on Cold Slither that got my head bobbing, if only slightly. With its doomy pace and sludgy riffs, the Alice in Chains-like “Snakes on the Bayou” possesses a swagger that I connected with, while the thrashy three-minute speedster “Torched” had me tenuously feeling early Bay Area vibes. I also enjoyed the straightforward, groove-drenched riffs on “Master of Disguise,” another palatable rocker with a decent solo and one of those catchy choruses that I found myself humming later on. While it’s clear the guys in Cold Slither embarked on a journey far removed from their main gigs, they do a decent job of pulling the concept together and executing the vision.
Filled with G.I. Joe sound bites, separating the Cold Slither concept from the content wasn’t easy, which further emphasized that Cold Slither is more a marketing tie-in than it is a heavy metal record. Musically, my biggest gripe is with the vocals. Stepping from behind the drum kit of his day job to pick up guitar and vocal duties, Rios’ Zartan does a workable job here; however, his clean vocal range seems limited to four or five mid-baritone notes that he never stretches beyond. Doing him no favors either are the vocal arrangements, written such that each song’s vocal pattern and cadence sounded nearly identical. More dynamic vocals might have added a more maniacally villainous edge to the diabolical, Cold Slither plot.
I get what everyone, including Cold Slither, tried to do here, and I’m sure those who bought a ticket to see these songs played live by a band in full regalia on July 24th at the San Diego Comic-Con will have a good time. A much younger me may have even bought the action figure set, comic book, and ticket to the con to snag my exclusive vinyl variant. Cold Slither, however, amounts to little more than an elaborately conceived homage to one cult cartoon episode, where the music transcends no further than the intrinsic nostalgia it evokes. Hopefully, Hasbro has no plans to bring the Average Joe Band to life anytime soon.
Rating: 2.0/5.0
DR: 5 | Format Reviewed: 320kbps mp3
Label: Reigning Phoenix Music
Websites: Cold Slither | Facebook
Releases Worldwide: July 25th, 2025
#20 #2025 #AliceInChains #AmericanMetal #BlackNBlue #ColdSlither #HeavyMetal #Jul25 #Keel #ReigningPhoenixMusic #Review #Reviews
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