Between Belonging
I've been doing a lot of shedding lately. Identities, communities, masks I didn't even know I was wearing. And in the quieter moments I've started to notice what's left when all of that falls away.
The thing that's true across every version of me, every role, every phase, every room I've learned to navigate, is that I care deeply. I always have. And for a long time I hid that, because caring deeply isn't always safe.
I've moved through a lot of spaces over the years. Each one met a real need for a season. Each one also had edges I learned to stay inside. So I got good at managing what I showed and where. It works. And it's exhausting.
What I've been slowly understanding is that I don't miss the spaces so much as I miss what I felt in them. Being listened to. Being known. Having somewhere to bring my feelings, my questions, my grief, my half-formed hopes. And having someone meet me there with genuine curiosity and kindness.
My husband still gives me all of that. Even after all these years. But something in me wants more than one place to feel that way. Not an audience. Not a group organized around a cause or a wound. Just a handful of people I don't have to translate myself for.
I'm in a slow season of integration right now. Learning to be a better steward of myself. Learning that I don't have to explain everything; sometimes I can just feel it.
But I also miss talking. Really talking. And I'm starting to believe I deserve a place to do that again.
If any of this lands for you, if you've ever felt the specific ache of being known in pieces but not as a whole, I'd love to hear that I'm not alone in it.
#audhd #autisticwomen #hsp #autisticburnout #integration