Today I understood one more division that seems to explain the rest of my ace spectrum experience. I ran into discussion about whether the definition of being an ace should be based on attraction or desire. This made me realize that for me, there's a difference between sexual attraction and sexual desire. I do feel sexual attraction towards other people. Yesterday I thought it's aesthetic in nature but that's only partially true. I mean in certain cases it's definitely sexual in nature. However, I don't feel the urge, sexual desire. That requires the emotional bond.

#demisexual #GreyAsexual

I might’ve understood what’s been the source of my confusion regarding different types of attraction. In this, for me, there is a divide between real world and fantasy world.

I've come to understand that in real world, to feel actual sexual attraction (“I want to have sex with that person”) requires emotional bond. If it’s not there, things get strange. I’ve been able to perform (sorts of) but it hasn’t been satisfactory. Satisfaction has been there when I’ve been in some sort of relationship with this person.

In fantasy world, I can feel horny towards lots and lots of people. To begin with, it’s mostly based on aesthetics. Now this is where it gets tricky. Early on, I’ve learned to associate enjoying someone’s looks to being horny for them. That’s how teen boys talk, right? (I wasn’t a boy but that’s beyond the point as I was socialized as one.) I still enjoy watching people and feel attraction to many of them. However, I think this is important: it’s actually aesthetic. I think. I’m pretty sure it is.

In my fantasies or when watching porn, the attraction appears to be sexual. But now I realize that even there there’s a certain important element. I imagine having a bond with this person. This understanding is actually a revelation! Now, if I think about seeing this person in real world, and whether I’d like to have sex with them, the answer is no. Sure, the fantasy was nice but ugh, real sex would complicate things too much. I’d rather not. I was socialized so that I should want to but no.

When I was single and attracted to someone, I now understand it wasn’t sexual. The attraction was sensual and romantic. When I think about my high school diary entries about my crushes, for instance, they talk about how nice it would be to hold hands and talk and have fun. No mention of sex. The actual sexual attraction kicked in once I had an emotional bond with this person.

I’ve wondered why is it that I don’t get crushes when I’m in a relationship. The one exception I mentioned yesterday seems to be a squish, actually. I just learned this word and I love it! Anyway, the answer seems to be that my sensual and romantic needs are fulfilled when I’m in a relationship, and they are the most important thing to me. Of course, whatever sexual needs I have, those are fulfilled too.

So, the key points seem to be that a) I’ve confused aesthetic attraction with sexual attraction thanks to male socialization (still have hard time differentiating between them…), and b) I’ve overlooked my need to have an emotional bond (that is there even in my fantasies/when watching porn). I think demisexual is the right word for me. So yes, I'm in the asexual spectrum, somewhere in the grey area. This is actually huge.

#asexual #GreyAsexual #demisexual

I seem to have mixed up different types of attraction. Coupled with my memory issues, I don't really know what I've felt in the past. Maybe I'm demi? This is difficult.

#asexual #GreyAsexual #demisexual

Regarding my "am I actually ace?" thoughts I find myself circling back to a certain thought I had ages (more than 15 years) ago. In my previous marriage, I and my wife weren't sexually that compatible and that played a role in our marriage unraveling. I would've wanted to continue (until I didn't but that's another story) and at some point towards the end I actually thought that I'd be ready to spend rest of my life with her even if it meant we never had sex again. That's not a very allosexual thought, is it?

#asexual #GreyAsexual

I haven’t really discussed my sexuality here but I think it’s time to process that as well. The thing is that I’m not sure where I am. I used to think I’m just your ordinary allosexual person but that doesn’t seem right.

I do get attracted (mainly to female presenting) people but lately I’ve wondered if that’s sexual or aesthetic attraction. What’s the difference? When I was single, I wanted to find someone so bad but thinking back, I’m more and more leaning towards it being about romance, not sex. What I know is that I’m not aro. Having a romantic relationship is very important to me.

Once I’m in a relationship I don’t feel crushes towards other people, it’s just about that one person. Ok, there was one small crush when I was on a longer trip abroad, and that was weeeird. But was it sexual? Thinking about that, it might’ve been aesthetic in nature, as well as wanting to learn about that person. Now that I write this, it seems clear to me: it wasn't sexual.

I’ve never even entertained the idea of actually cheating, I’ve always been faithful. It doesn’t stop me from wondering what it would feel like with another person, or having fantasies when masturbating.

I masturbate and consume porn. Would I want to have sex with people I see in porn? Sure, I guess, on the level of principle. But if I now think about having to meet someone else for a sexual encounter, I don’t like the idea. Not sure why exactly -- is it about my sexuality or maybe about meeting people for new things as an autistic person being, well, difficult? Not that I need to think about it in my situation, for that matter.

I’ve been sexually active in my relationships and I really enjoy it when it takes place. With my wife, the first couple of years we were very active. However, over the years, it’s gotten rarer. Of course, that’s quite normal in a long relationship.

What makes it interesting is that there was a definite change after I understood I’m non-binary. It’s as if I got rid of the burden of having to want sex when I was a guy, and now that I know I’m not a guy, the needs are considerably lower. What complicates my thinking is that I’m at that age when my testosterone levels are getting lower and lower so it might be connected to that. But is it?

I guess I’m somewhere on the asexual spectrum but what does it really mean? I’ve tried to read about the topic but I don’t know. Many concepts seem blurry to me. What are your thoughts on this? Any pointers and experiences are appreciated!

#asexual #AsexualSpectrum #GreyAsexual #NonBinary

If you see this, post your pride flags ✨

#Pride #ProgressPride #PrideFlags #Pansexual #Asexual #GreyAsexual #GreyAce #RubberPride

Ive got a bunch of new folks and I’m gonna revamp my profile bio so heres the intro Ill pin in the meanwhile.
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Hi, I’m Greyson, as one might guess. I’m a 30something queermo living in the PNW w/ my love and our cat, Pringles. My partner and I have been together over a decade, #RealQueerLove
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I’m a millennial #CatDad and a friend of #crows. I went to school for literature and philosophy, but work in nonprofit HR. My opinions here are very much my own and are unrelated to those of my employer, which should be a given and not something I have to put in writing. 😒
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I’m #Queer, specifically I use the words #GenderQueer, #NonBinary, #transgender, #bisexual, and #GreyAsexual to describe my experiences. Ive been out in one way or another for over half my life now. Ive been out as trans for over a decade.
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I’m #NeuroDivergent, specifically with #anxiety, #ADHD, #depression, and #ProcessingDisorder. I believe all of this occurs on a spectrum and that while diagnostic labels can be helpful, they can also hold us back from recognizing support from which we may benefit.
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Im also #Disabled, specifically with #migraines and #IBS, both of which are being improved somewhat by my being #GlutenFree for over a decade. Despite my intolerance, I still enjoy #baking. ✧*:･ﾟ
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I listen to #AudioBooks and play #TTRPG and #VideoGames in my spare time. Most of the media I consume is #SciFi or #Fantasy and as much of it as possible is #LGBTQIA. I spent too many years consuming media that didn’t apply to me. I read over 50 books last year and Im hoping to keep up the pace this year despite my change in circumstances.