I am hated by everyone and everything, therefore I hate everyone.

#FuckMyLife

• Depression spiral? You mean a rear flank downdraft leading to the formation of a tornado? And now I'm reading about tornadoes which I am slightly genuinely terrified of because somehow that's less awful than the existential dread and anxiety in my head.

• I actually had a relatively good day yesterday; I have no idea why today is so mentally shitty. Except "what goes up must come down."

• I did have an absolute shit night of sleep last night; at least four completely fucking random and awful dreams that I can remember but of course The Bitch had to be in ONE of them and of course she was playing innocent, clueless, and/or the victim. So it wasn't enough that I didn't get any decent rest, I've been Emotionally Disturbed and thinking about THEM all day.

• …….. I really don't have the energy to go into all that.

• It really fucking sucks that my only alone & undisturbed time at home where I could play music or even write without feeling emotionally repressed is Sunday morning, but Sunday morning is also perfect nap time in preparation for Monday, ESPECIALLY when I slept like shit anyway.

• Speaking of shit, fuck Richard Siken, when I was seeking advice for how to safely dig into emotions and trauma in order to write about them when it sends me into a near goddamn suicidal spiral every time and I have to HIDE IT from the people I live with because they don't UNDERSTAND, and he said, "If you think you need to be safe in order to write then you should be in a hospital. Mental or otherwise." Fucking douchebag.

• So yea I don't nap but I don't actually write either then everyone is home again and the whole day is a fucking waste and tomorrow is Monday again already. Fuck fuck fuck.

• I would just like a certified, qualified medical professional to look me in the eyes (not really, but) and tell me even though my job doesn't require heavy physical exertion, it's relatively low stress and low pressure, and it's even relatively "easy" and well within my "intellectual" / work skill set… … It's perfectly reasonable and not a FAILURE for me to be completely exhausted and feel like a 40 hr work week is utter hell because of the way my brain is wired. (I'm so grateful for my job. It's so much better than most I've had. So WHY is it still so fucking DRAINING.)

• Unrelated. Ahem. Everyone wants to be "an old woman who doesn't give a fuck" but have you ever been AROUND a middle aged woman who won't stop yapping and lacks ALL self-awareness about it? She's definitely neurotypical. And she's perfectly nice. But my god, it makes me even more self-conscious about inflicting myself on people. And that's not even starting about the actually nasty old bitches. The ones who want to hurt you and know they can get away with it BECAUSE THEY'RE OLD. "Oh, that's just the way they are." Really? So many decades of existence and they still haven't learned manners or kindness??

• Sometimes I wish the stupid neurotypical meme advice worked. "You just gotta --- ! Trust me! It gets better!" Ok, maybe for you… (sigh)

• I can do all of the inner work and healing and growth in the world but until I actually get to PRACTICE with PEOPLE and PEERS it's all theoretical and not actually… you know, applied and proven. I'm so fucking alone and lonely.

• I guess I'll shut up now.

• No, I lied: one more thing. It's not that I necessarily mind "aging" and "looking older," especially in the recently revealed context of how my generation's attitude re: our own appearance was manipulated by pedophiles… but goddammit, I haven't actually LIVED enough to be doing any aging! I haven't DONE anything to EARN or DESERVE wrinkles!! Fucking hell, time is passing and I'm just rotting away without any of the EXPERIENCES to make the decay worthwhile. I don't need to rewind, but can we at least hit PAUSE for a few years until I can get the hell out of Dodge and actually start living and loving?