I hate my mind, how come when I look in a mirror sometime I can't "recognize" my face. Literally at time my face look too oval/Square, too white or dull, and does nose/eye look correct.Then I start to think is this truly my face. In general I already hate looking at my reflection.    Ughhhh why can't I be normal.
#depersonalization

When the mind disconnects, the body carries on.
"Depersonalization" combines future garage beats with a sense of inner distance.
A tension that never completely lets up.
All links: https://ffm.to/patros15-depersonalization
#music #song #emotional #deep #dark #newmusic #newsong #fyp #art #futuregarge #postdubstep #dubstep #breaks #brokenbeat #depersonalization #sadsong #groove #bass #beat #dubstep #breakbeat #sadstory #sad #cinematic #mentalhealth #experimental

“salvo ii”

last night I made you a promise
of a spiral staircase worth walking down
a poetically just sort of kick to the chest -

your heart nearly stops on a good day
screaming odd time flutters when you're distressed
well, I've got some words
that will keep it pounding
right from the box I keep
locked tight in my head

I don't know why I love you anymore
I'm just as much a prisoner of the emotion
as I am a prisoner here
the confusing as fuck
fact of the matter is, I
just do
I feel like less than half the person
than I did three years ago when this
began
and the time has come for me to
break these unseen chains for the last time

and I don't know what keeps me from exploding
spite, sheer force of will, practice,
compartmentalization?
you say you want better for me, then deliver
if you can
otherwise I'm no better off than I was
with the manipulative would be jailers
that attempted to control me before

so sit with this, torture yourself like I know you will
when you see it
let it burn a hole clean through
and simultaneously cauterize
what's left of your mind
I don't fight with guns, fists, or steel
I fight with words and the silences between them
and win
and frankly
that's much worse

-Allēna 10/23/2025

#anger #angryPoetry #cptsd #depersonalization #derealization #domesticViolenceAwarenessMonth #Processing #processingTrauma #reactiveAbuse #sadPoetry

“depersonalization blues”

these are the lengths you drove me to
I don't write verses anymore, I write indictments
I built a twisted empire out of everything you were
too afraid to touch in all of the places I knew you'd
never look, and there, in the shadows, I waited
you did exactly what I wanted you to do.

anger is a tool, I made it into an art form because of you.

I may be half the things you are but I am everywhere
you're not, and that's something to be proud of when
I could outclass you in my sleep by the time I was
fourteen. doesn't that eat you alive?
knowing that you created the one person who could
ever destroy you?

so go on, sleep soundly now, make those jokes
at my expense, tell them all I died or went insane
because the joke’s on you -
I may be crazy, but you made me that wayand I'm infinitely happier when you're gone

-Allēna & June, 8/13/2025

#depersonalization #enneagram8 #enneagram8w9 #poetry #Processing #queerpoet